I had to take my compass exam today. Passed the english & writing portion with flying color, didn’t do so well on the Math portion. Ultimately, it means I’ll be taking an extra math course, but no big deal. Next up is getting my high school transcripts and finishing up the financial aid.
sweet deal.
Oh yeah, and a new picture to share. Because who doesn’t like pictures of my kid.
I have to admit; I hear of my friends being pregnant. I see people everyday who are pregnant. I work with pregnant people. It’s frustrating and annoying because sometimes I really miss that pregnant feeling. Sometimes I wish that was me.
Then I come flying back to reality and I’m thankful that it’s not. Because lets face it, my life is screwed up right now. It would be the best idea not to add another one to the mix. But there is that nagging feeling back in my head that I should have made one minuscule decision. And everything would be different. One fucking decision and I could feel like my life is going somewhere and not fucking dragging along the ground while I stumble around blindly to pick it up.
I’m tired, unhappy, exhausted and just feeling down. I’m tired of these terrible twos that have lasted since before he was 1. I’m tired of his too short of a temper and the fact that he never wants to go to sleep. I’m tired of the crankiness and tired of feeling like I just never get the break that I so crave. If I can have one single week of no tears, no temper tantrums and no sultry attitude, I would be in great shape. And then of course I ponder that decision I almost made but turned my back on when I imagined how things were going to be. When the promises were made to me and I pushed aside the thought that kept telling me that they were going to end up being broken promises.
Now that voice is telling me how badly I screwed up…..
And now that I’ve opened up my heart in the place I’ve tried to keep it under control, I’m going to go drink my sorrows away. Rum & Coke is good for that.
I’m trying to figure out when I told Skyler he could grow up. Who really wants their baby, their small toddler… to grow out of that phase. And how long does it take us to realize that our baby is no longer a baby.
It hit me today. Hit me hard that my baby is no longer a baby. Hell, he’s no longer a small toddler anymore. He’s holding conversation, recognizing true human emotion, pushing his independence and has caught on to the fact that he is wrapped around my little finger.
How else would he know that when he wants to go to the movie store, all he has to do is look at me with his big blue eyes and ask ever so politely “Can we go to the movie store? Pretty please with a cherry on top???” with his little hands put together in a begging sort of manner. And when I tell him before bed that I am going downstairs to get him some water, all he has to do is ask even more politely “I go down-a-stairs with you? Can I?”.
Holy crap, the cuteness is overwhelming!
Then there are the times that he knows he did something wrong and he looks at me with those irresistible blue eyes and tells me in the sweetest voice imaginable “I’m sorry mommy” and follows it with a hug. He’s learning to follow directions and do as I ask, even if he doesn’t want to.
He’s not perfect. He throws an insane amount of temper tantrums. He knows how to push my buttons. He knows how easy it is to set me off and for some odd reason he enjoys this. He has quite the temper and attitude himself, but then I remember that he’s a toddler. Not a small toddler, but a bigger toddler, not quite a child. A toddler who instinctively knows that he has to test his limits to learn.
Pretty soon he’s going to be a child, and after that he certainly won’t be my baby anymore.
That thought certainly has me in tears….
I’m getting nervy. Especially about the thought of going back to school. I’m reliving random memories of my high school life and remembering how much I hated it. I’m remembering how much trouble I had in school and I’m really starting to doubt myself on whether or not I can handle this college thing. The fact that Targhetto and everyone else in this fucking world ONLY talks about how it’s almost back to school time. The fact that k-12 schools go back August 14th and the fact that some colleges start August 25th is freaking me out even more. The deadline for Nashville State Community College is August 28th and I don’t know when the classes officially start, but that doesn’t make a difference. I am so fucking scared shitless. I don’t want to fail at this, I don’t even want to struggle and I know that being out of school for 7 years is going to make a huge difference than if I was going to college immediatly after graduating high school. The only thing that keeps me going for this is the knowing that I HAVE to go back to school. Every sign, every thought, every realization has told me that I have no choice.
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Tonight was spent with a barbeque with friends. I rejoiced at having the night off from being a mom, yet I missed Skyler so much. It was nice not to have to feed him dinner while I was eating. It was nice to be able to stand around talking and gossiping with friends without having to keep an eye on him. It was nice to play a couple games of Wii bowling without having to wonder what he was getting into.
Let’s face it… I enjoyed the night off and I’m starting to think that I need to go out with friends at least once a month….
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Nothing much else new. Still doing uber amounts of knitting. Or trying too. Skyler and I went to the library today and I found a fun knitting books, among other books I actually got to pick out. So as soon as I get some pictures processed and up on flickr, I’m heading to bed to knit while reading a knitting fiction book. Yes, laugh at my loser self, I’m a lameoid and I’m embracing it.
Or I’m heading straight to bed and passing out. The rum is taking over my brain and telling me I need to sleep.
I am determined to start my college education come Fall ‘09. While I’m pushing for online only classes, I’m also throwing around the idea of some campus classes. As a way to get away and get the “real” college experience. Then I think about working 40 hours a week, taking care of Skyler and still trying to get some time to myself and I wonder if I can handle all of this. Fuck. I guess I just have to do this and deal with it.
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I’m also pushing myself on really losing weight and getting in shape. I’m taking the afternoons while Skyler plays outside to swim. And swim laps, not just lounging. I bought a jump rope to get in some aerobics and I keep telling myself that the weekend mornings are going to be spent taking an early morning walk. When it’s nice and brisk outside and hell, Skyler wakes up at 6am anyways, and do I really want to spend the morning with both of us laying on the couch watching morning cartoons?
I am trying to eat healthier too. Portion control, cut out the junkie snacks, drink water not soda, eat more fruit and veggies, blah blah blah blah…. Sometimes I think that I’m pushing myself and overwhelming myself, but that’s how I have to do it. If I don’t start the portion control now but I start eating healthy and cutting out the junk, I’ll never do the portion control. If I start portion control but don’t eat healthy, I’ll never control the cravings for junk.
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I guess that’s all the updates. I am off to bed to do some knitting, because honestly, who needs sleep when there is knitting to be done.
by Jess
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