Archive for February 26th, 2008
February 26th, 2008 | 
Author: A friend asked me a very difficult question tonight. Honestly, it took me by surprise and brought tears to my eyes.
Q: Would you do it over?
I’m answering this with my laptop currently halfway in my lap, and Skyler also halfway in lap. He can’t breathe, is burning up and is breathing through his mouth and sucking on his pacifier. He sounds horrible as he pitifully whines because I know that he wants to snuggle with me in the bed. I feel terrible for keeping him up longer to post this, but my thoughts are going to keep me up if I don’t get them out.
A. I don’t necessarily want a complete do over. I love Skyler. I love him more than anything in the whole world. That’s why I’ve given up so much for him, knowing that he’s been better off while I made my sacrifices. I don’t regret getting pregnant and having him. I regret the circumstances that I got pregnant under. I regret not being in a healthy, loving relationship. I regret not having some kind of financial security. Most of all, as much as I hate saying this, I regret him not having a real father.
I do feel like I’m missing out on so much. I talk to my friends at work who go out during the week and have fun, knowing that I can’t do that. I feel like I’m missing out on my chance to have a career in photography knowing that I can’t take him with me and I have no one to watch him. I feel like I’m missing out on having a job I love because I can only work certain hours and if he gets sick, I’m the only one to take care of him.
Most of all, I feel like I’m missing out on having relationships and missing out on dating because I don’t have a babysitter to watch him at night since grandma and grandpa don’t want to. I feel like being a mom is a complete turn off to guys and the ones that it isn’t a turn off too, automatically assume that I’m married. Um… yeah. They both have happened before.
I feel like I’m a sticky situation. There is good in my life and there is the not so good. I just let the not so good outweigh the good.
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