Psychotically Sane

Archive for April, 2008

my friend L was telling me how she and her kids bought some lottery tickets for Wednesday’s lottery. They were planning on what to do with the winnings. It made me think about what I would do if I won the lottery. It’s up to 162 million dollars. Honestly, I’d be happy with 1 million. Plenty to buy a nice 3 bedroom house, a hybrid vehicle, money to put away for Skyler’s college fund, pay off what debt I have, pay back my parents for all they have done for us, money for some new camera equipment and then put a couple thousand into my checking account and the rest into a high interest savings account. I would continue working, but I wouldn’t have to worry about whether or not my bills would get paid. I wouldn’t have to worry about how I’m going to come up with the money when my car needs a major or minor repair, or how I’m going to get the money when it completely breaks down.

I’m tired of money stresses. I’m tired of wondering when my truck is going to break down, which I hope is not soon. I’m tired of working for what feels like nothing when there are no decent paying jobs to be found.

I know I should be grateful for what I have, and I promise I am grateful. It’s just so easy to get frustrated with little problems when they add up so quickly. Sometimes I just wish things were a little less stressful.

short post tonight.

I’ve been in a bad mood the past couple days. Beyond stressed, exhausted, ready to go off any moment. I think Skyler has been sensing my stress because he’s been in a bad mood too. AF is now visiting so I think my bad mood will end soon.

Spring is finally here. It’s been warm afternoons and chilly mornings. Fresh fruits are coming back into season. Walmart had some extra yummy strawberries $1 a carton, so naturally I buy 6 cartons. I have several ziplock bags of sliced strawberries in the freezer.

Plus I’ve discovered that Sky will eat them. He loves fruit but never was a big fan of strawberries. He scarfed down a bowl of strawberries and blueberries yesterday morning

I’ll post pictures tomorrow. I’m falling asleep tonight

<3

My mom asked me that tonight, and the question caught me by surprise.

Motherhood isn’t getting me down, necessarily, but more so how Skyler’s daddy comes in to play. Or how he doesn’t… It’s something that has been literally haunting my every thought for the past couple days. When it used to be something I thought about a couplet time a month. I keep wondering why I thought that things would work out between. Why I really expected him to change and keep his promises when I was so used to all the lies.

I see babies and toddlers with their daddies and my heart keeps ripping open. I read about studies proving that children brought up in two parent homes are better off than children in single parent homes. I keep feeling like one little mistake has not ruined my life but ruined someone’s life who had nothing to do with it. What did Skyler do to deserve a missing father. What am I going to tell him when he asks me why his daddy isn’t around when all the kids have dads. Why do stop breathing everytime he says “daddy” only to barely be able to answer “yes baby?”.

So yes, motherhood is getting me down, but so is fatherhood.

So the next few posts will be full of pictures. I have TONS to do, TONS to upload and TONS to blog about.

First things first. This past weekend I went to Indiana to spend a weekend with the ladies of the September 2006 PG. We had sooo much! A, P & F had this amazing house and were so great to stay with. They really made me and Sky feel welcome.

Friday I spent some time outside with A&F taking pictures. I didn’t get as many as I would have liked, but what I got, I’m very happy with.

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little man Fintan, originally uploaded by Me (?).

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CRW_5687, originally uploaded by Me (?).

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the little explorer, originally uploaded by Me (?).

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, originally uploaded by Me (?).

His daddy came home not much later and dinner was served. I managed to snag a couple shots during dinner ;)
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, originally uploaded by Me (?).

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daddy and F, originally uploaded by Me (?).

Seriously, love them. <3

I’ve got a couple more pictures that I need to do up for you. Check back tomorrow, I’ll make sure to do them as soon as I get home from work :)

I guess I sorta failed the 365 blogging, but for good reason. I was in Indiana hanging out with kick-ass women and toddlers. I’ll do a longer post tomorrow, with a sneak peek, just wanted to give some little note to let all those know that I am back :)

Going to bed since it’s 10pm and I have to wake up in 6 hours.

<3 everyone. I’m going to paper blog for the next couple days. I’ll return with a lot of pictures, lots of memories, and hopefully a lot less stress than I have now :)

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HBW!, originally uploaded by Me (?).

RANT:

I’m feeling a bit snippy right now. I’m tired of managers who play favorites and are only nice to those that kiss ass. I’m tired of people who only talk to you if they feel like it and who act “holier than though”. You aren’t the fucking king of the world, you aren’t this amazing, incredible person who knows everything. You are normal. Quit acting so high and mighty. Get off your fucking high horse. I’m tired of guys who break my heart. Whether we dated or just were friends.

To those who have hurt me. To those that have pissed me off. To those that brought tears to my eyes and a stabbing pain to my heart. I say this;

FUCK.YOU.

i feel better now :)

RAVE:

2 more days of work!!! I can’t wait until Friday. I can’t wait to meet 8 fabulous women! I can’t wait to meet 8 fabulous toddlers {and two little buns in the oven}. I can’t wait to have the best three days. I’m soo excited about this weekend!

and of course, what would a post be without some pictures :)

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blooming tulips, originally uploaded by Me (?).

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smile!, originally uploaded by Me (?).

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bokeh and a twinge of sunflare, originally uploaded by Me (?).

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my banana boy, originally uploaded by jessica.erin {jumping.a.top.the.bandwagon}.

So much I want to have a night where I can just cry away my stress and worries and not care about anything else.

Why do I feel like everyday I have to put a smile on my face and make people think that I’m okay?

Today is just one of those days where I’m not sure what the hell is going on. I feel so crappy. I feel so down and out. I need a distraction. I need someone to put a smile on my face. I need something for me.

This is going to be a crazy week for me. Monday and Tuesday night I’ll be working on my “secret” project. It has to be finished Tuesday night. Wednesday night will be finishing up my camera bag and the camera strap to match it. Thursday afternoon I’ll be washing and packing our bags. The plane leaves Friday morning at 6:15 so I’ll be getting up before the butt-crack of dawn to go see 10 fabulous toddlers and their fabulous mom’s for the big playdate on Saturday. Sunday will be a trip to the museum.

I’m excited. Thanks to my oh-so-fabulous friends, I’m flying to Indiana to meet some ladies from the playgroup message board I belong to. I feel like it’s a dream and I think I’m going to go crazy before Friday. I’m not a patient person.

Bedtime :) I’ll have TONS of pictures next week, probably not many this week.