a person can dream right?
my friend L was telling me how she and her kids bought some lottery tickets for Wednesday’s lottery. They were planning on what to do with the winnings. It made me think about what I would do if I won the lottery. It’s up to 162 million dollars. Honestly, I’d be happy with 1 million. Plenty to buy a nice 3 bedroom house, a hybrid vehicle, money to put away for Skyler’s college fund, pay off what debt I have, pay back my parents for all they have done for us, money for some new camera equipment and then put a couple thousand into my checking account and the rest into a high interest savings account. I would continue working, but I wouldn’t have to worry about whether or not my bills would get paid. I wouldn’t have to worry about how I’m going to come up with the money when my car needs a major or minor repair, or how I’m going to get the money when it completely breaks down.
I’m tired of money stresses. I’m tired of wondering when my truck is going to break down, which I hope is not soon. I’m tired of working for what feels like nothing when there are no decent paying jobs to be found.
I know I should be grateful for what I have, and I promise I am grateful. It’s just so easy to get frustrated with little problems when they add up so quickly. Sometimes I just wish things were a little less stressful.
—-
short post tonight.
I’ve been in a bad mood the past couple days. Beyond stressed, exhausted, ready to go off any moment. I think Skyler has been sensing my stress because he’s been in a bad mood too. AF is now visiting so I think my bad mood will end soon.
Spring is finally here. It’s been warm afternoons and chilly mornings. Fresh fruits are coming back into season. Walmart had some extra yummy strawberries $1 a carton, so naturally I buy 6 cartons. I have several ziplock bags of sliced strawberries in the freezer.
Plus I’ve discovered that Sky will eat them. He loves fruit but never was a big fan of strawberries. He scarfed down a bowl of strawberries and blueberries yesterday morning
I’ll post pictures tomorrow. I’m falling asleep tonight
<3
motherhood getting you down?
My mom asked me that tonight, and the question caught me by surprise.
Motherhood isn’t getting me down, necessarily, but more so how Skyler’s daddy comes in to play. Or how he doesn’t… It’s something that has been literally haunting my every thought for the past couple days. When it used to be something I thought about a couplet time a month. I keep wondering why I thought that things would work out between. Why I really expected him to change and keep his promises when I was so used to all the lies.
I see babies and toddlers with their daddies and my heart keeps ripping open. I read about studies proving that children brought up in two parent homes are better off than children in single parent homes. I keep feeling like one little mistake has not ruined my life but ruined someone’s life who had nothing to do with it. What did Skyler do to deserve a missing father. What am I going to tell him when he asks me why his daddy isn’t around when all the kids have dads. Why do stop breathing everytime he says “daddy” only to barely be able to answer “yes baby?”.
So yes, motherhood is getting me down, but so is fatherhood.
pictures - for A & P
So the next few posts will be full of pictures. I have TONS to do, TONS to upload and TONS to blog about.
First things first. This past weekend I went to Indiana to spend a weekend with the ladies of the September 2006 PG. We had sooo much! A, P & F had this amazing house and were so great to stay with. They really made me and Sky feel welcome.
Friday I spent some time outside with A&F taking pictures. I didn’t get as many as I would have liked, but what I got, I’m very happy with.
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His daddy came home not much later and dinner was served. I managed to snag a couple shots during dinner ;)
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Seriously, love them. <3
I’ve got a couple more pictures that I need to do up for you. Check back tomorrow, I’ll make sure to do them as soon as I get home from work :)
i don’t think i failed….
I guess I sorta failed the 365 blogging, but for good reason. I was in Indiana hanging out with kick-ass women and toddlers. I’ll do a longer post tomorrow, with a sneak peek, just wanted to give some little note to let all those know that I am back :)
i’m leaving, on a jet plane…
Going to bed since it’s 10pm and I have to wake up in 6 hours.
<3 everyone. I’m going to paper blog for the next couple days. I’ll return with a lot of pictures, lots of memories, and hopefully a lot less stress than I have now :)
Happy Bokeh Wednesday!
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Nothing much to blog about. It’s been a stressful week. I’m trying to figure everything out and I guess I just need time to myself. I think I’m just exhausted.
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rants and raves
RANT:
I’m feeling a bit snippy right now. I’m tired of managers who play favorites and are only nice to those that kiss ass. I’m tired of people who only talk to you if they feel like it and who act “holier than though”. You aren’t the fucking king of the world, you aren’t this amazing, incredible person who knows everything. You are normal. Quit acting so high and mighty. Get off your fucking high horse. I’m tired of guys who break my heart. Whether we dated or just were friends.
To those who have hurt me. To those that have pissed me off. To those that brought tears to my eyes and a stabbing pain to my heart. I say this;
FUCK.YOU.
i feel better now :)
RAVE:
2 more days of work!!! I can’t wait until Friday. I can’t wait to meet 8 fabulous women! I can’t wait to meet 8 fabulous toddlers {and two little buns in the oven}. I can’t wait to have the best three days. I’m soo excited about this weekend!
and of course, what would a post be without some pictures :)
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blooming tulips, originally uploaded by Me (?).
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bokeh and a twinge of sunflare, originally uploaded by Me (?).
Just one of those days.
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So much I want to have a night where I can just cry away my stress and worries and not care about anything else.
Why do I feel like everyday I have to put a smile on my face and make people think that I’m okay?
Today is just one of those days where I’m not sure what the hell is going on. I feel so crappy. I feel so down and out. I need a distraction. I need someone to put a smile on my face. I need something for me.
busy busy busy bee
This is going to be a crazy week for me. Monday and Tuesday night I’ll be working on my “secret” project. It has to be finished Tuesday night. Wednesday night will be finishing up my camera bag and the camera strap to match it. Thursday afternoon I’ll be washing and packing our bags. The plane leaves Friday morning at 6:15 so I’ll be getting up before the butt-crack of dawn to go see 10 fabulous toddlers and their fabulous mom’s for the big playdate on Saturday. Sunday will be a trip to the museum.
I’m excited. Thanks to my oh-so-fabulous friends, I’m flying to Indiana to meet some ladies from the playgroup message board I belong to. I feel like it’s a dream and I think I’m going to go crazy before Friday. I’m not a patient person.
Bedtime :) I’ll have TONS of pictures next week, probably not many this week.
RSSHugger Review
Do you want to know a FABULOUS way to increase your blog traffic?
It’s simple. Join, register your blog, pay a fee or write a post promoting the site. Your traffic increases because they are set up to bring bloggers and blog readers together.
We all know that we crave attention. That’s why I signed up. I like knowing that people are reading my blog, looking at my pictures. We’ll see if the rssHugger works ;)
would it be weird?
Would it be weird of me to just out of the blue text you telling you that I miss you. Telling you that I miss talking to you. I miss being distracted from life by your texts. It’s been to long. I hate losing friends.
sooo….
I’m going to get my mini-vacation sooner than I expected. Flight is booked and I’m ecstatic :)
Happy Bokeh Wednesday!!
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Soooo glad to have my 50mm lens back on my camera. I missed him. My sweet lover.
<3
time for a bragging moment
He really amazes me sometimes. Sunday morning for breakfast he HAD to have milk and cereal. Normally weekends is eggs, hashbrowns and sausage. He kept telling me ‘No’ when I asked him if he wanted eggs. So I get his bowl of milk and cereal, and a sippy cup of milk. He gets mad when he couldn’t get the lid off the cup. So I take it off. I try to feed him the cereal. He gets mad when he can’t feed himself. So I let him do it himself. I’m watching him. He smiles at me, and with such expertise, uses his spoon to get some cereal and into his mouth. He looks up at me, smiles, and then picks up his cup and expertly drinks from it. He looks at me, smiles and sets it back down on the table ever so gently. Then continues to shovel his cereal in.
That’s my little guy. I’m so proud.
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Everyday I look at him and wonder how where the time went.
so this is a hard post to write…
I’ve been feeling a bit of jealousy. I HATE being jealous of someone else. Not the feeling of wanting a material object that someone else has, but really wishing that I had their life.
I should be happy. I want to be happy, and most of the time I am.
I guess it’s just when I really start thinking how things are going. When I look at the big picture and I wonder if I’m making any progress with my life and I realize, in fact, I’m not. I still feel stuck in the same hole I’ve been in. I know I’ve grown so much as a person, and changed so much, but I don’t know how good of a change that was.
It’s when I realize that even though I’m young, marriage might never happen for me. I might never meet “the one”. Skyler, as much as I love him, might be my only child. I would love to have at least one more child, but I want to be in a healthy, loving relationship and settled down before I have another. It might be my pessimistic outlook on life that is making me think this, but truth of the matter is that I haven’t had a real relationship in over 2 years. I’ve talked with guys. Went on somewhat could be considered dates, but I haven’t felt anything. I haven’t gotten those looks, and I miss that. I miss going out. I miss having a relationship. Simply put, I guess I’m starting to get really lonely.
ugh. I think I need to take a vaca for me and Skyler. Something to bring my mood back up.
for the love of the mo’hawk
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It’s sad. I have quite a few pictures that are in need of processing, and I can’t focus on doing it. Last night, after having a couple drinks, I got 4 pictures done in 30 min. Usually it takes 30 min per picture.
*sigh* I guess that means I’ll be drinking tonight to get some pictures done.
oh, and btw, I really miss my 50mm lens.
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My dear Skyler,
You have pushed my buttons one too many times. You have made me question why things have happened. You have made me question my ability to be a single mother.
Thank you.
All my life I have wanted to be challenged. I get bored when everything is too easy. For the first time, life isn’t easy. I’ve tried to imagine my life without you. What I imagine is my life filled with void. I’m unhappy without you. I can’t imagine being happy without you. You make me tear my hair out, but more importantly you put a smile on my face. You fill my heart with more love than I have ever felt.
I guess the more important question I should be faced with is, Would I want to imagine my life without you? The answer is “No.” You are everything to me, and you will continue to be everything to me. I know I’m not the perfect mother, and I know I have a far road to travel on before everything is set for us, but we’ll get there eventually. I promise. We are stuck together, and I’m looking forward to many years with you.
I love you Skyler. You are everything to me, and you will always be my everything.
<3 mommy
karma enjoys playing games with people and giving them a swift kick in the ass.
I think karma is rolling on the floor laughing at me right now.
B, my sister-in-law, came over for birthday dinner and birthday cake. My mom had created a kick ass skull cake for her. I wanted to get pictures of it naturally. My camera was sitting on the kitchen table, 50mm lens being used. That lens is my baby. <3 Skyler wanted to see the cake and the candles. I lifted him up onto the bench, my arm hits the camera and it falls to the bench. It landed right side up, but still the front part of the lens popped out. ffffuu…. So now I am 50mm less until I get my amazon purchase on Wednesday. Even better as luck would have it, tomorrow night I’m going to see A’s band play. I guess I can’t take my 50mm lens and use it.
I think I pissed off somebody in my past life really badly for that to happen.
springtime beauty
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Canon 0D
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How awesome is this ;) If this was real, I would be first in line to buy it and plan on taking out a loan just to be able to afford it.
Happy belated April Fool’s!
two tulips
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Nothing much to blog about tonight, so I’m just going to post a picture :)
this is me.
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New Toy Tuesday!
Skyler got 2 new books, I got a new book (not as though I’ve finished reading the one I just got) and I got my remote for my camera. I’m so excited. It works fabulously and it’s so fun!
sometimes it’s the smallest things that make you happy
I have to admit that I’ve had my camera out so much in the past week. Everything deserves a picture, and I’m happy with what I’m taking. From simple snapshots to capturing natures beauty. I feel like I’m pulling myself out of a funk. I think it’s the spring time weather. I love warm weather <3
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