Archive for May, 2008
May 30th, 2008 | 
Author: I’m not sure what to blog about.
some pictures :)
Posted in 
Just a quick update:
Work went fabulously tonight. I might just get everything completed for this week even with having a sick child keep me away from work
I’m getting a new toy, hopefully next week. I’ll post more on this when I get it ;)
Skyler’s sick :( He was feverish Tuesday and Wednesday. Fever finally broke 9am Wednesday morning. I hate sick baby but I love the baby snuggles.
Nothing else. I need to sleep. Work in the morning.
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My computer is back up. Thanks to my backing up my files Saturday afternoon/night, I didnt lose any of my actions, any of my pictures or anything that was worthy of being saved.
Bonus, instead of having only 15 days left on my trial of CS3, I now have 30 days left. Hopefully I’ll be able to buy an upgrade from PS7 to CS3. I don’t want to lose this program.
Life is ok. I’m stressed and tired and I think I have mixed feelings for one of my bosses. *sigh*
It seems like there is always something that has to go wrong. Right now it’s my computer. Windows will load up but only to the welcome screen. Then it shows there are no user profiles to load up. So I have no way of logging in. I repaired windows and it completely reinstalled it, and still nothing.
I’m pathetic. I’m close to tears because I’m not on MY computer. I don’t have photoshop on my dad’s computer. I don’t have lightroom on my dad’s computer. To make matters worse, nobody is online.
I guess that means that it’s going to be early to bed tonight. What else is there to do?
bah-hum bug.
I almost texted SOB tonight. To tell him how I hate his guts and how I continue to loathe him more and more every day he doesn’t call or acknowledge the fact that he has a son. I don’t even know that the number I have in my phone is the correct number, but it would have meant something to me if he had received it. It’s the little things that can make a person feel better.
Today wasn’t even a bad day. It just gets stressful when I have a child that is whiny and crabby and going through a major case of the terrible two. It gets even more stressful when I know the only time I will get a break of caring for him is when he goes to bed. So when my dad yells “No one asked you to have a baby” AFTER Skyler has thrown a major temper tantrum, I almost lose it. I understand how big of a mistake I have made. I realize how many people’s lives I have screwed up. I guess the fact that I am trying to fix those mistakes counts for nothing. My night ends with mom telling me that I’m a bitch. She wanted to give Skyler a goodnight kiss. She does and then she gets him riled up when I’m trying to get him ready for bed. So of course I lose it again.
I want one day to feel like I have my life on track. And how come the night I need someone the most, I have nobody.
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Skyler will now stand still for the camera. He now looks at the camera and on my command, says “Cheese!” and smiles.
about 30% of the time….
it’s a 30% improvement ;)
It’s been too easy to feel depressed these past couple days. I know what my depression is directly related to. The problem is how to stop it from bothering me.
Today it was related to the absent father and my stress. I have two friends at work who are pregnant. One due within a couple days and the other due in a month. They love talking about how excited their husbands are to become fathers. *ouch* right to the heart. Then I got off work late and had to rush to get Skyler and pick up the swimming bag from home before rushing to the swim lesson. I got there 10 minutes later. I was nearly in tears just thinking about how much easier it would be if his daddy was around, or I had a husband to share the responsibilities. Then it’s getting Skyler in bed. I love the baby snuggles and reading him books, but sometimes I wish someone else would take the job every once in a while. Especially the nights that I want to relax and take my shower before settling down on the computer to work on pictures. Those are the nights he fights sleep. Those are the nights that stress me the most.
Now what’s getting me down is the whole photography thing. I know I’m happiest behind the camera. I know how much I love it. I just get so down knowing that I can’t do anything with it yet. I could schedule sessions but I don’t have anybody to watch Skyler. I’ve tried taking him on sessions. They are impossible with a clingy toddler. It’s seeing other people do it. Other people who never seemed to show an interest in photography until I mentioned wanting to pursue it. Maybe it’s all in my head or maybe I have legitimate complaints.
I can’t do this anymore. It’s a constant feeling of failure. It’s feeling like I’m driving on a dead end and I have no way to turn around and backtrack to fix my mistakes. I just want one thing to go my way. I want a day where I can say that I am truly happy and not just posing with a fake smile on my face. I want to start going forward instead of falling behind.
Then the fact that I think I have carpel tunnel is not helping my mood.
I think AF is going to be here any day. This mood seems to be a monthly thing.
So I sent out this email:
Hello 
I know this may be an odd email, but I’m emailing you to see if you would mind if I jumped in on one or two of your weddings as a second (or I guess third) shooter. My friend wants me to shoot her wedding in November (I’m a hobbiest, not actually in the business and probably won’t be for several years). I told her I would love to, but I want to get some practice first.I’m hoping to second shoot in at least 2-4 weddings so I can get comfortable with doing them and make sure I can give her the best pictures documenting her wedding day. I’ve never shot weddings before, so this would be an awesome learning experience for me, and I want to learn from professionals. I shoot with a Canon Digital Rebel (dying for an upgrade, but this will do) and I do all proofing in Lightroom and Photoshop CS3.
Right now I photograph my almost 2 year old, and every couple months I’ll do a small session.In my signature line is a link to my flickr account if you want to check out my work.
If you would, please email me back with your thoughts. Thanks for reading
and I got this email back (within 1 hour might I add):
Hi Jessica! Thanks for the interest! Unfortunately we don’t have any super large weddings coming up, this spring/early summer seems to be mainly smaller affairs. When we get something booked larger we will be in touch if you would like. 3 photogs at a small wedding can be a little much.
We looked at your flickr and we both see that you have talent. You also seem to have a grasp on lightroom/ps. The only concern we have is that when we work with second shooters we try to make it a lasting (somewhat) relationship, we don’t normally just work once or twice with them. Currently we have a second that we use regularly but he is close to going off on his own. A second shooter represents our business just as much as we do during the wedding (most clients don’t even know what a second shooter is, they just see them as “thornton-photo” ya know?). Obviously we prefer our seconds to be referred to us or know them a little. All that being said: when we get something for you we’ll shoot you an email and maybe we can have a coffee and get to know you a little?
Sorry, not trying to sound like a control freak, we really are fun people (at least we think so HA!).
Also, just curious if you sent this to multiple photogs or just us? You might have faster/better luck with someone else (at least until August).
Great flickr btw.
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I feel like I’m taking an incredibly big step by looking into second shooting. Let’s face it, my life isn’t exactly on track. Vehicle isn’t reliable, I don’t always have a babysitter, and I work full time. That doesn’t work well for being starting out and attempting to be a photographer.
I NEED something to happen. I need a good change. Hopefully this is it.
I’ve been feeling crappy the past couple days. Really full of the single mom blues. Tonight I got to talk to some awesome friends and the topic discussion is the plans for the upcoming trip to NY.
Yes! I am *hopefully, most likely* going to be going to New York. Not only to see some AMAZING friends, but to photograph one of the most amazing mommies I know, and her gorgeous daughter and her completely perfect family.
I’m ECSTATIC! The last time I was in NY was when I was 3 years old, so that doesn’t even count for really visiting it. I can’t wait to the Big Apple. I can’t wait to meet some great friends and their fabulous minis and I can’t wait to have a real vacation. I can’t wait to take a million pictures. I can’t wait to see some amazing sites. Did I mention how I can’t wait to meet some amazing people?
This trip is what is currently keeping my spirits up until this bleary days pass. I can’t wait till August :)
Happy Mothers Day to all moms that have love and lost, to moms that get to hold their kids everyday, to the moms that unselfishly share their time with their kids, and to the moms that are hopeful that one day they will get to experience the joy that so many others have.
I’m throwing a pity party for myself. I don’t get the traditional mother’s day that I hear so many others celebrating. I don’t get the possibility of sleeping in or breakfast in bed. My day goes on like normal. It’ll be at least a year or two before I’ll even get to hear “Happy Mother’s Day”. I know this is the life that I chose, but I didn’t chose for things to end up how they did. It has now been a year and half since I last saw the sperm donor. A year and a half since he’s seen his son. I don’t know how often he thinks about Skyler, or if he even does.
The only thing I know, is that I’m going to be in tears on father’s day and I’ll be bawling my eyes out even more when Skyler finally does ask where his daddy is. I don’t want that day to EVER come.
God help me when it does.
