May 17th, 2008 | 
Author: It’s been too easy to feel depressed these past couple days. I know what my depression is directly related to. The problem is how to stop it from bothering me.
Today it was related to the absent father and my stress. I have two friends at work who are pregnant. One due within a couple days and the other due in a month. They love talking about how excited their husbands are to become fathers. *ouch* right to the heart. Then I got off work late and had to rush to get Skyler and pick up the swimming bag from home before rushing to the swim lesson. I got there 10 minutes later. I was nearly in tears just thinking about how much easier it would be if his daddy was around, or I had a husband to share the responsibilities. Then it’s getting Skyler in bed. I love the baby snuggles and reading him books, but sometimes I wish someone else would take the job every once in a while. Especially the nights that I want to relax and take my shower before settling down on the computer to work on pictures. Those are the nights he fights sleep. Those are the nights that stress me the most.
Now what’s getting me down is the whole photography thing. I know I’m happiest behind the camera. I know how much I love it. I just get so down knowing that I can’t do anything with it yet. I could schedule sessions but I don’t have anybody to watch Skyler. I’ve tried taking him on sessions. They are impossible with a clingy toddler. It’s seeing other people do it. Other people who never seemed to show an interest in photography until I mentioned wanting to pursue it. Maybe it’s all in my head or maybe I have legitimate complaints.
I can’t do this anymore. It’s a constant feeling of failure. It’s feeling like I’m driving on a dead end and I have no way to turn around and backtrack to fix my mistakes. I just want one thing to go my way. I want a day where I can say that I am truly happy and not just posing with a fake smile on my face. I want to start going forward instead of falling behind.
Then the fact that I think I have carpel tunnel is not helping my mood.
I think AF is going to be here any day. This mood seems to be a monthly thing.
Posted in 3 Responses to “stress much?”
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You ARE going forward! Look at the response to your second shooter request. One step at a time. You will make it to your dream. I have absolutely no doubt of it.
I know it must be heartbreaking and hard raising Sky on your own. Sometimes life doesn’t fit neatly into the paradigm you imagined and it’s hard to let go of the fantasy you’ve built up in your head. But your life is REAL, and that’s so much better. Skyler is real, and he really loves you. And God chose you to be his mommy for a reason, because you, and only you, could be the very best possible mommy for Skyler. Remember that.
Girl, you’re pursuing your dream by contacting photogs and continuing to work on shooting ever day. You know what? Sky WILL be able to go with you on shoots SOON – he won’t be a toddler forever, I promise. Hugs to you — I know its hard doing it on your own and can’t wait until you meet your partner. You’re doing a great job.
You will absolutely get to live your dream Jess, even if you have to wait for it. You are going to do great.
Try not to linger on the daddy thing. Skyler is so lucky to have you as his mommy – you are doing an awesome job.