unhappy Bokeh Wednesday
Very Unhappy Bokeh Wednesday today. Work is getting more stressful. People are getting more agitated with everything going on. My workload has more than doubled in the last couple months and I feel like I’m not getting compensated for it.
Today was not the enjoyable day I had hoped for.
I blame it on the big wigs for having a visit.
forget-me-nots
Things I don’t want to forget.
I’m stealing this idea from the completely aMAYSing Sarah.
This morning Skyler wanted to pick out what shirt to wear. I held him in my arms while I sorted through each of his shirts that was hung in the closet. The first one he looks at, puts his finger to his mouth and goes “uum…… no”, second shirt - finger to the mouth - “umm…… um.. no”, third shirt - finger to the mouth - “umm….. uh huh!”
This scene set my day for me. I’m grateful for the mornings that are easy and relaxing. The mornings without temper tantrums. I’m grateful for sleeping all night and waking up to such a happy little boy.
And I’m grateful for such a fabulous day. A fabulous afternoon. An afternoon where a certain someone came up to me at work and greeted me. Where he flashed me his smile and asked me how my day had been. He doesn’t normally greet me in such a way. He didn’t even need anything. Just wanted to say ‘hello’. Have I mentioned that I’m actually looking forward to working on a Wednesday?
the smiles.
Not much to say tonight. I got lots of smiles today. And we all know that his smile makes my heart do jumping jacks and my stomach fill with butterflies.
I think I’m actually looking forward to working on Wednesday.
busy busy weekend
The weekends are never long enough. I didn’t even manage to get enough done. Just cleaned off my computer and moved about 10gb (if not more) of files to my external hard drive. Ran a disk clean up. Finally uploaded tons of photos just sitting on my hard drive to flickr. Lots of laundry. Picked blueberries. Cared for a sick toddler while being sick myself. The last one was easy though. I enjoyed just laying around and snuggling while we watched movies and napped.
Big News. Starting August 19th, (skipping August 26th) I will be taking photography sessions on Tuesdays. I don’t know how long this will last for, but it’s something I want and need to do. I’m excited. I will be doing babies 4mnths - 15mnths. In family home or on location. Now I just need to talk to work about doing 4 day work weeks or only working half days on Tuesdays.
Also, I’m going to start making tutu’s. To use with photography sessions and to sell. Email me if you are interested and I can give you more information. :)
I’m excited. I’m tired of watching my life pass me by. I need to do something for me.
Lastly, just a few pictures to put a smile on my readers faces :)
toddlerhood
I hate to admit but I’m starting to slack on my photography. I’m slacking on taking pictures, I’m slacking on editing pictures, I’m slacking on uploading them.
However, I have been spending more time with Skyler outside and just playing in general. I’ve been putting away the camera and just playing with him instead of watching him. And I’m having fun.
It’s incredible the amount of imagination this child has. How he’ll stack blocks like stairs and pretend to make his Little People fall off the stairs. How he’ll be watching Shrek and actually interacting. He tells Shrek to play catch and asks him “You ready?” He then throws the ball (away from the TV, might I add) and then runs after it laughing up a storm. How he loves to “talk” on his phone and carry his keys around. How he grabs his play laptop and heads for the door waving and calling out “bye bye. my keys mommy. going ride” and then gets mad when he realizes that his keys don’t unlock the front door nor will they start the vehicle.
Most of all, I love how he plays with his stuffed Sesame Street toys. How he makes them help him clean up and he dances with them. How he tucks them in night night only to get aggressive when they don’t actually go to sleep. (I promise, I don’t know WHERE it comes from). I love how he is just one big ball of energy, always ready to rough house and fight. Then when he gets a boo-boo, he comes running to me for a kiss and a spiderman bandaid. Yes, my child has to have a spiderman bandaid on his body at all times. Preferably the knee.
My life isn’t close to perfect right now. There is too much going on and I can’t explain how I feel about most of it. But I know that I do enjoy my time with Skyler. Things could be better if I had made different choices, but then I wouldn’t know this kind of love. I wouldn’t get to experience the joy of having a child. This is love. This is the love I have right now and I’m trying to enjoy it more than what I have.
-blah-
Nothing much to blog about. I’ve got pictures to post, but I haven’t even uploaded them to flickr yet. I’m so lazy. Too many other things - people - on my mind. Tomorrow night. I promise.
underwater swimming.
just a little fun with a disposable camera and swimming underwater.
Quick update since I’m going to bed soon.
Busy weekend. Spent it finishing up a couple projects. They all turned out well so I’m happy. Skyler swam a lot this weekend. he’s turning into a little fish. He also go to enjoy a fudgesicle :) Of course I got tons of pictures.
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daily horoscope
Horoscope for July 18th, 2008
Love doesn’t just spring up overnight. Be patient. Admirers will make themselves known soon enough
One person came to my mind when I read this. The person that I exchange witty banter with. The person that makes my heart flutter with just a simple smile.
I wish it were just as simple as asking him out…
pity post
This will probably be the first of many pity posts.
I’m ready to break. I’m ready to call it quits. I’m stressed, tired, exhausted, lonely, currently excruciatingly unhappy and I’ve been stretched too thin. I’m tired of days like today where I feel like I get no kind of respect at work. I’m tired of days like today where I can’t finish my tasks on time because I can’t get some executive input. I can’t finish certain tasks until I get executive approval that it’s okay. And if they decide that what I need isn’t important enough, it doesn’t get to me in time. Which means I get a bad score because someone else couldn’t get their shit together.
I can’t do this anymore. I’ve been thinking about the sperm donor more. I didn’t want to. He’s the last thing I need on my mind. But he was. It’s been almost 21 months since he’s last seen Skyler. It’s been almost 9 months since I last talked to him. When he promised me child support. He disappeared and I couldn’t get it. It KILLS me what he’s doing to me. To Skyler. The fact that he’s killed any kind of hope for Skyler having the ideal family of a mom and a dad. I don’t care how much love Skyler gets from everyone else in his family, nobody can replace the father. NOBODY.
I want my vacation. I haven’t had a vacation for what feels like 2 years. The vacation I was planning on taking has been canceled.
I’ve held this in for too long. I don’t vent anymore. Not to myself, not to my blog (until now), not to anybody else. I’m holding it in and it’s breaking me. It’s ready to break out. I want to scream. I want to pull my hair out. I want a night filled with tears so I can get past this crappy feeling. Others are noticing how I’m acting. I can’t fake my smiles anymore. I can’t fake my good moods anymore.
I’m feeling crappy and I need a vacation. I need something to calm things down…. and I don’t think a big bottle of Jack Daniels is going to do it this time.
the happy bokeh wednesday post
Happy Bokeh Wednesday blogger world!
I’m feeling a bit crap-tastic and a bit on the iffy side. Long day of work today and I have a feeling tomorrow will be even longer. At least there will be one thing {person} that will make my day better.
Of course pictures today. Skyler took some pictures too but I accidentally deleted them :( I love how he’s taking an interest in my camera and in taking pictures. I’m not going to push him into it, but I sincerely hope that it’s something he learns to love as much as I have and it’s something that stays with him all his life. I don’t care if he gets into cooking, sports, arts, dance, acting… I’ll be proud of him no matter what. But I’ll be most proud if he follows me into photography.
I want to be his inspiration….
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a boy and his camera
he wanted to see my camera. He wanted to take a picture of Elmo. I love how he’s taken an interest in it. I don’t know how long it will last for, but I hope his interest continues to grow. He’s my little photographer. :)
so this is what it feels like
I’ve been such a bad blogger lately. I want to blog about what I’m feeling and what is going on, but how can I when I don’t understand what I am feeling.
Still having the feelings for my boss at work. Still can’t make sense of what is going on.
Skyler is calming down with his temper tantrums. He’s talking more and more everyday and I think that he’s starting to get less frustrated since he can communicate better. His personality is also starting to come out more and more. He cracks me up most of the day.
and have I mentioned how much he LOVES swimming?
swimming diyptch
I was finally able to get him into the pool. And once he was in the pool, he had so much fun swimming to everyone and jumping off the inflatable boat. I’ve got so many fun pictures from this afternoon too :)
my mini-me
Skyler is turning into my mini-me. Everything I do, eat, drink he wants to copy. Including taking pictures. I tried to show him how to properly hold the camera but he kept shaking his finger at me and going “No no no no Mommy! Skyler picture”. He would then proceed to put the camera up to his face backwards and try to push the button. Then he turned it back over to look at the back of the camera. He actually got mad when he realized that my film camera wouldn’t show him the picture he took. (I turned it off so we didn’t waste film ;)
Life is crazy. I’m so confused by everything going on but I try not to stress about it too much. Instead I look forward to the time I have to myself to relax (the little amount of time) and I look forward to the time I spend with Skyler.
Sometimes all he has to do is just give me a smile, or give me a kiss, and all my sorrows, anger and worries go away. For at least a short amount of time…
weekend recap
I know it’s been a little while since I’ve done a proper post. I’ve been trying to catch up on my sleep the past couple days. Not doing so well unfortunately.
Saturday morning, Skyler and I went to a blueberry farm. Grandma ended up picking most of the blueberries as Skyler had almost no interest in it. He was having more fun trying to sneak them into his mouth and playing in the leaves and dirt.
We ended up getting 8lbs of blueberries. The rest of the day involved cleaning and eating more.
Sunday morning, we woke up at the ass crack of dawn to a temper tantrum. Once he calmed down and got his sippy of water, he wouldn’t go back to sleep. So he watched Shrek and I slept. At 7 am he had his breakfast with another side of temper tantrum. Watched a lit bit of Sesame street and started what ended up being a very long day. Lunch was very uneventful. He ate then watched Shrek while I finished up my lunch. Actually, he fell asleep within the first 5 minutes of Shrek. He woke up when I tried to move him upstairs and threw a fit because he wanted Shrek. He never did fall back asleep during the movie…. After a 41 minute temper tantrum, he finally went to bed at 2:41pm, a time which he is normally waking up from his nap. While I was eating dinner (he had filled up on snacks before dinner. Thanks grandma), he managed to fall off the side of the couch (he was trying to monkey climb) and got a nice rug-burn scrape on his left temple. The fall gave him his appetite back while I lost mine. Finish off with an hour of him running off his energy, and we both fall asleep in our beds. Of course I wake up an hour later to take a shower, blog and head back to sweet slumber.
I’d say all in a all, a very exhausting weekend.
this is what summer is made of
–I love the glorious sun that shines on us for 14 hours a day. That is 14 hours that I have to take pictures.
–I love swimming every day and Skyler jumping into the pool and swimming to me.
–I love knowing that my mini-me loves swimming as much as I do. Probably more.
–I love flowers and flower-weeds in full bloom
–I love spending time outside with Skyler. He’s happiest, I’m happiest, life is wonderful.
I also love Bokeh Wednesday.
it only happens once
nothing much new to update about.
Skyler is still throwing his terrible two temper tantrums. About 60% of the time. The other 40% he is the sweetest, funniest, cutest boy I have ever seen.
My friend S had her baby. A whopping 7lbs of cute boyness. He’s so tiny. It makes me realize that I’ve forgotten how small (if he was small!) Skyler was when he was a baby. I miss the tiny fingers. I miss the tiny toes. I miss the sweet baby curl and the sweet baby snuggles. 5 weeks until I get to do baby pictures. It’s their cultural belief that babies shouldn’t be photographed until 6 weeks of age. So I’m patiently waiting for my chance to pounce with my camera. ;)
I wish I had more to update on. At least on one aspect of my life…
oh. and just one picture for tonight.
