Psychotically Sane

Archive for July, 2008

Very Unhappy Bokeh Wednesday today. Work is getting more stressful. People are getting more agitated with everything going on. My workload has more than doubled in the last couple months and I feel like I’m not getting compensated for it.

Today was not the enjoyable day I had hoped for.

I blame it on the big wigs for having a visit.

Things I don’t want to forget.

I’m stealing this idea from the completely aMAYSing Sarah.

This morning Skyler wanted to pick out what shirt to wear. I held him in my arms while I sorted through each of his shirts that was hung in the closet. The first one he looks at, puts his finger to his mouth and goes “uum…… no”, second shirt – finger to the mouth – “umm…… um.. no”, third shirt – finger to the mouth – “umm….. uh huh!”

This scene set my day for me. I’m grateful for the mornings that are easy and relaxing. The mornings without temper tantrums. I’m grateful for sleeping all night and waking up to such a happy little boy.

And I’m grateful for such a fabulous day. A fabulous afternoon. An afternoon where a certain someone came up to me at work and greeted me. Where he flashed me his smile and asked me how my day had been. He doesn’t normally greet me in such a way. He didn’t even need anything. Just wanted to say ‘hello’. Have I mentioned that I’m actually looking forward to working on a Wednesday?

Not much to say tonight. I got lots of smiles today. And we all know that his smile makes my heart do jumping jacks and my stomach fill with butterflies.

I think I’m actually looking forward to working on Wednesday.

The weekends are never long enough. I didn’t even manage to get enough done. Just cleaned off my computer and moved about 10gb (if not more) of files to my external hard drive. Ran a disk clean up. Finally uploaded tons of photos just sitting on my hard drive to flickr. Lots of laundry. Picked blueberries. Cared for a sick toddler while being sick myself. The last one was easy though. I enjoyed just laying around and snuggling while we watched movies and napped.

Big News. Starting August 19th, (skipping August 26th) I will be taking photography sessions on Tuesdays. I don’t know how long this will last for, but it’s something I want and need to do. I’m excited. I will be doing babies 4mnths – 15mnths. In family home or on location. Now I just need to talk to work about doing 4 day work weeks or only working half days on Tuesdays.

Also, I’m going to start making tutu’s. To use with photography sessions and to sell. Email me if you are interested and I can give you more information. :)

I’m excited. I’m tired of watching my life pass me by. I need to do something for me.

Lastly, just a few pictures to put a smile on my readers faces :)

I hate to admit but I’m starting to slack on my photography. I’m slacking on taking pictures, I’m slacking on editing pictures, I’m slacking on uploading them.

However, I have been spending more time with Skyler outside and just playing in general. I’ve been putting away the camera and just playing with him instead of watching him. And I’m having fun.

It’s incredible the amount of imagination this child has. How he’ll stack blocks like stairs and pretend to make his Little People fall off the stairs. How he’ll be watching Shrek and actually interacting. He tells Shrek to play catch and asks him “You ready?” He then throws the ball (away from the TV, might I add) and then runs after it laughing up a storm. How he loves to “talk” on his phone and carry his keys around. How he grabs his play laptop and heads for the door waving and calling out “bye bye. my keys mommy. going ride” and then gets mad when he realizes that his keys don’t unlock the front door nor will they start the vehicle.

Most of all, I love how he plays with his stuffed Sesame Street toys. How he makes them help him clean up and he dances with them. How he tucks them in night night only to get aggressive when they don’t actually go to sleep. (I promise, I don’t know WHERE it comes from). I love how he is just one big ball of energy, always ready to rough house and fight. Then when he gets a boo-boo, he comes running to me for a kiss and a spiderman bandaid. Yes, my child has to have a spiderman bandaid on his body at all times. Preferably the knee.

My life isn’t close to perfect right now. There is too much going on and I can’t explain how I feel about most of it. But I know that I do enjoy my time with Skyler. Things could be better if I had made different choices, but then I wouldn’t know this kind of love. I wouldn’t get to experience the joy of having a child. This is love. This is the love I have right now and I’m trying to enjoy it more than what I have.

Nothing much to blog about. I’ve got pictures to post, but I haven’t even uploaded them to flickr yet. I’m so lazy. Too many other things – people – on my mind. Tomorrow night. I promise.

just a little fun with a disposable camera and swimming underwater.

015_11A, originally uploaded by Me (?).

004_22A, originally uploaded by Me (?).

019_7A, originally uploaded by Me (?).

014_12A, originally uploaded by Me (?).

Quick update since I’m going to bed soon.

Busy weekend. Spent it finishing up a couple projects. They all turned out well so I’m happy. Skyler swam a lot this weekend. he’s turning into a little fish. He also go to enjoy a fudgesicle :) Of course I got tons of pictures.

.flickr-photo { border: solid 2px #000000; }.flickr-frame { text-align: left; padding: 3px; }.flickr-caption { font-size: 0.8em; margin-top: 0px; }

this is what makes summer so wonderful, originally uploaded by Me (?).

.flickr-photo { border: solid 2px #000000; }.flickr-frame { text-align: left; padding: 3px; }.flickr-caption { font-size: 0.8em; margin-top: 0px; }

smile like you mean it, originally uploaded by Me (?).

Horoscope for July 18th, 2008

Love doesn’t just spring up overnight. Be patient. Admirers will make themselves known soon enough

One person came to my mind when I read this. The person that I exchange witty banter with. The person that makes my heart flutter with just a simple smile.

I wish it were just as simple as asking him out…

This will probably be the first of many pity posts.

I’m ready to break. I’m ready to call it quits. I’m stressed, tired, exhausted, lonely, currently excruciatingly unhappy and I’ve been stretched too thin. I’m tired of days like today where I feel like I get no kind of respect at work. I’m tired of days like today where I can’t finish my tasks on time because I can’t get some executive input. I can’t finish certain tasks until I get executive approval that it’s okay. And if they decide that what I need isn’t important enough, it doesn’t get to me in time. Which means I get a bad score because someone else couldn’t get their shit together.

I can’t do this anymore. I’ve been thinking about the sperm donor more. I didn’t want to. He’s the last thing I need on my mind. But he was. It’s been almost 21 months since he’s last seen Skyler. It’s been almost 9 months since I last talked to him. When he promised me child support. He disappeared and I couldn’t get it. It KILLS me what he’s doing to me. To Skyler. The fact that he’s killed any kind of hope for Skyler having the ideal family of a mom and a dad. I don’t care how much love Skyler gets from everyone else in his family, nobody can replace the father. NOBODY.

I want my vacation. I haven’t had a vacation for what feels like 2 years. The vacation I was planning on taking has been canceled.

I’ve held this in for too long. I don’t vent anymore. Not to myself, not to my blog (until now), not to anybody else. I’m holding it in and it’s breaking me. It’s ready to break out. I want to scream. I want to pull my hair out. I want a night filled with tears so I can get past this crappy feeling. Others are noticing how I’m acting. I can’t fake my smiles anymore. I can’t fake my good moods anymore.

I’m feeling crappy and I need a vacation. I need something to calm things down…. and I don’t think a big bottle of Jack Daniels is going to do it this time.