Psychotically Sane

Goodbye 2009, Hello 2010

Jan 1, 2010 rambling

I tried to post this last night, typed it out on my phone, and then when I hit the “save draft” the phone restarts. Maybe I can remember what I wanted to say.

I’m not usually a fan of New Year’s Resolutions. No one ever keeps them. They get forgotten in the first couple weeks. I usually forget to make them. But this year isn’t about resolutions. It’s about complete changes. Mind over matter, right?

So I have compiled a list, in no particular order about what I want to change this year.

1 – New Job, New Home - While my dream of living in California this year is not going to happen, I’m picking a date. 11.11.11. November 11th, 2011. I’ve always had a fascination with the time 11:11 and the many myths and legends of what it means. And I feel like that would be a good date to make this change. Just as I feel certain that California is where Skyler and I are meant to live. So in the meantime, it’s a new place for Skyler and I and a new job to go along with it. I like my job right now. I love the people I work with. But the pay isn’t worth what I put into it. And I’m going into the horrid economy to try to find a better paying job. And I feel stupid, for leaving behind a guaranteed 40 hour a week, mon-fri job. A job that is secure. And I hate new jobs. I hate the whole process, from putting in applications and resumes, to the dreaded interview process.

2 – Fall in love - I’m not talking about the type of relationship where “we are both madly in love, can’t live without the other, let’s jump the gun and elope”. I’m talking about a relationship where I am completely and utterly happy of who I am with. Where he loves me, I love him. I could definitely see us having a future together when we are ready. I think I’m just tired of the constant loneliness of not having someone there for me. But I guess I just haven’t met the guy that is meant to be the one?

3 – Being happy - My biggest thing now is that I’m not happy. I’m grateful for everything I have in my life. I’m grateful for my friends and family. I’m grateful for my adoring and completely amazing child. But I feel like I’m missing out on so much. I feel like there is a piece of my heart that is missing and it needs to be filled. And I want to be happy. I want to live each day filling loved and cared about instead of just being here. I hate feeling like I’m holding onto a false sense of hope of being happy. I want it to happen. I am trying, but it seems that when I push, there is also some unstoppable force pushing back at me. And unfortunately it’s a lot stronger than I am right now…

4 – Blog more; Rant less - Let’s face it, 2009 was a bad year for blogging. I think it had a lot to do with slight depression and the constant feel that my life was crumbling before my eyes. Constantly ranting and complaining about my life wasn’t something that I wanted to be in the publics eye. So I kept the ranting and whining to myself (except for the constant whines on MSN and texts to my wonderful friends) until I felt like I was going to burst. In a fit of desperation, I made a private blog where I now post my rants. No one reads it. I can whine and rant and let out my frustrations and unhappiness without feeling like I get the constant “She’s whining again??” from those that read this blog. But now that I have the place for me to let loose, this blog has gone un-used. And I feel guilty. So I’m making it a mission to blog more. Blog happier. Take more photos. Knit more. And blog about my daily life recording instead of my daily rants about what is wrong. Instead, let’s share what is right.

So bring it on 2010. I’m ready for these changes in my life.