Psychotically Sane

Archive for February, 2010

The past week has been my worst week of sleep. Waking up several times a night, having overly realistic dreams on top of that. And then when I do sleep for more than an hour at a time, I have such a realistic and horrific dream that I can’t even be sure my brain was relaxed enough to benefit from the sleep.

And for the first time since I can remember, I had a dream about Skyler’s father. He showed up out if nowhere. He talked to me like we had just met. He barely acknowledged Skyler and of course Skyler took no notice to him. But what really hurt the most was how I remember thinking how Skyler deserved to know that the man was his father, but I just couldn’t tell him. Until he left the room. That was when I told Skyler who that man was. A simple “Skyler, did you know that us your daddy?” and then I woke up, feeling empty, let down, broken-hearted and most of confused. I know how hurt I am that he left us. I hate him for what he did, but I also imagine him coming back and then wanting to welcome him with as open arms as I can muster. And now I feel that my dream is telling me that I won’t be able to let him back into our lives. That I will go as far to protect Skyler from the man who has hurt both of us, by lying and avoiding telling him who his father his. To protect him from the man who has killed my dream of having the family I want. But is it really my ex’s fault that I am broken and holding a grudge that I feel is preventing me from happiness. Or is it mine? And will time heal these wounds or do I have to find the strength to put the past behind me. Embrace the future that scares me….

Each day I think about blogging, but don’t. I have nothing to blog about. What I do want to talk about, I can’t here so I hold it in. I leave it as a story I can’t tell….

Skyler got a haircut the other day.

As much as I love his older kid look, I miss his longer locks and the bangs in his eyes. It made him look younger, more toddler like. I miss my baby. I don’t want him to look older when I can hardly stand him growing up. And it certainly doesn’t help when all of my friends have new babies. Or are pregnant.

Work is still work. My life is just as simple as ever. I love my friends dearly, so I can’t complain when things aren’t perfect in my eyes. I’m still sitting on the feeling of content. Maybe teetering is more like it. But that’s another part of the untold story.

And I am still knitting. Because it relaxes me and makes my quiet nights semi enjoyable. Soon spring will be here and then at last summer. I can’t wait for the sun, the heat and the longer days. I need a little vitamin d to bring my dreary spirits up.

I wish I could say that the reason for abandoning my blog is my exciting life. I wish I could say that I just simply don’t have time to get online and share all my blog worthy stories. Truth is, I have nothing to blog about. My life is spent at home with Skyler and my family, at work with my friends and nights are just by myself. and my knitting. Sadly, I’m content this way.

And since Kimberly told me I had to blog about it, I splurged a little on myself and got an iPod Touch. And it’s fun and addictive. Especially the apps. Like the ShakeItPhoto app I found that turns your photos into polaroids.

So here are a couple of my “polaroids”