Psychotically Sane

Archive for the ‘I miss you’ Category

I said goodbye to a friend today. I felt an immense amount of closure seeing her laying in the casket. At peace. Even in a moment of death, I still felt how much life she has in her.

Every word that was spoken, drew me in. So much I didn’t know about her. I learned so much about her life. And seeing her two children. Her 22 year old son and her 19 year old daughter and really seeing Nina in them. Seeing how much life she gave them. Seeing her smile on their faces. Just knowing how much she and her husband sacrificed for them. I feel so honored to have met her, to have worked with her, to be able to call her a friend.

It was just the closure I needed.
The whole night I needed.

A group of us met at work at 4pm. Several brought clothes to change into (including me) and we carpooled to the funeral home. Spent an hour visiting with the family and reliving memories with friends. Some went home and the rest of us (10 total) went and ambushed Rafferty’s in a fit of hunger. It was a wonderful hour and a half of good food, great friends, talking, laughing and enjoying each others company. We went back to the funeral home and enjoyed a very touching service dedicated to an incredible person. And it felt good. It felt good being there with people who knew how great she was. Who knew how much she would be missed. And especially great to be there with people who wanted to give her family as much support as we possibly can.

I truly am blessed with incredible family and friends.

Visitation on Wednesday. Funeral on Thursday.

I’m scared of seeing her. I’m scared of going to her funeral. I’m scared of realizing that she is in fact gone.

I’m in a delusional state and I’m pretty sure that she’s on vacation. She turned off her phone and is enjoying relaxing on the beach somewhere. But she’ll be back soon. We will enjoy a nice lunch at Qdoba. She will order her usual Naked Burrito and I will get my summer usual Mango Chicken Salad (especially since mangos are now in season). We’ll chit-chat like old times. And she will be smiling, because that’s how she looked the last time I saw her. She was smiling, ecstatic over life. Everything was going great, she had so much going on…

I never received the fucking message from Angela Sunday night. Never received the fucking call from her son late Sunday night. It was a fucking dream.

I think I need to delusion myself into a dream world. Or drink myself silly since it is Cinco de Mayo (or as Trish called it, Cinco de Drinko) and sleep till Friday. I’m tired of putting on my brave face.

I want to fucking cry.

At work we talked about nothing except what we lost. At home I want to talk about it but I have no one to listen.

I don’t have the balance and it’s bothering me more than it should.

I want to curl up into a little ball and cry away the night. I want to go to sleep and sleep until tomorrow morning when I have to wake up and face the day. Put my brave face on and pretending losing a friend doesn’t bother me.

They reluctantly made the announcement at huddle and of course I started silently crying. Hell, the tears started coming even before she said the words. The look on her face as she prepared to deliver the devastating news is what broke me down.

Shit. Wednesday is the wake and Thursday is the funeral. I’m not going to be able to handle this.

It worried me when a friend messaged me on facebook with the sentence “You will find out tomorrow, but there is some sad news”. One of my work friends, who became an out of work friend was in a car accident and passed away Saturday night.

And all I can think about is how we won’t get our weekly lunches to catch up on our lives and what is going on. I’m thinking about how I let too much time pass between seeing her, even though she worked right next door. I’m thinking about how when I talk about her it will be in past tense never in future. I’m thinking about her family. How I want to go up to her husband at work and give him a hug and my condolences. Because I can’t even come close to imagining how he and their daughter feels.

R.I.P. Nina. Everyone at work is saddened by the news. No one can believe it’s real. We want to wake up from this horrible nightmare. You and your family are forever in our thoughts and prayers. You will be forever missed, but never forgotten. <3