it’s my something to look forward to
Vacation in T-17 days. It’s insane how much I’m looking forward to this. Friday I’m going to call and reserve the camera. Still not sure if I’m going to get the lens with it. I’m drooling over the thought of using a 1.2 L lens but the thought of what the money COULD be used for makes me hesitant.
Still searching for that new job.
Still just as confused as ever thanks to a certain someone.
And the fact that it’s been almost 2 years since HE has seen Skyler is bringing me to tears at a moments notice. I know it’s not worth getting upset over, but no child deserves to be without a father.
I guess it’s just one of those things that really shows you how unfair life can get.
horoscopes
As silly as it may sound, I read my horoscope (several actually) and follow tarot readings everyday. I receive texts every morning with cryptic messages that make me think and receive emails with astrological words of wisdom that make me wonder.
Today’s horoscope really makes me think:
Be patient for love to make it’s way to you. You can’t control fate so enjoy being carefree now.
I’m following that advice. I need to quit worrying about when I’m going to find a relationship. I need to worry more about now. Starting now :)
daily horoscope
Horoscope for July 18th, 2008
Love doesn’t just spring up overnight. Be patient. Admirers will make themselves known soon enough
One person came to my mind when I read this. The person that I exchange witty banter with. The person that makes my heart flutter with just a simple smile.
I wish it were just as simple as asking him out…
pity post
This will probably be the first of many pity posts.
I’m ready to break. I’m ready to call it quits. I’m stressed, tired, exhausted, lonely, currently excruciatingly unhappy and I’ve been stretched too thin. I’m tired of days like today where I feel like I get no kind of respect at work. I’m tired of days like today where I can’t finish my tasks on time because I can’t get some executive input. I can’t finish certain tasks until I get executive approval that it’s okay. And if they decide that what I need isn’t important enough, it doesn’t get to me in time. Which means I get a bad score because someone else couldn’t get their shit together.
I can’t do this anymore. I’ve been thinking about the sperm donor more. I didn’t want to. He’s the last thing I need on my mind. But he was. It’s been almost 21 months since he’s last seen Skyler. It’s been almost 9 months since I last talked to him. When he promised me child support. He disappeared and I couldn’t get it. It KILLS me what he’s doing to me. To Skyler. The fact that he’s killed any kind of hope for Skyler having the ideal family of a mom and a dad. I don’t care how much love Skyler gets from everyone else in his family, nobody can replace the father. NOBODY.
I want my vacation. I haven’t had a vacation for what feels like 2 years. The vacation I was planning on taking has been canceled.
I’ve held this in for too long. I don’t vent anymore. Not to myself, not to my blog (until now), not to anybody else. I’m holding it in and it’s breaking me. It’s ready to break out. I want to scream. I want to pull my hair out. I want a night filled with tears so I can get past this crappy feeling. Others are noticing how I’m acting. I can’t fake my smiles anymore. I can’t fake my good moods anymore.
I’m feeling crappy and I need a vacation. I need something to calm things down…. and I don’t think a big bottle of Jack Daniels is going to do it this time.
Leo horoscope — Monday, June 9th 2008
Something romantic that happens today will change the course of the rest of your year in a big way….
I receive daily horoscopes via text on my phone. Today’s text has made me question astrology and love in general. I’ve always been a big astrology fanatic. Always reading my horoscope and reading into signs. It all means something. It all ties in with how we live our life and what happens. I can’t figure out what today’s horoscope means and it’s frustrating me.
Today’s text just makes me realize how crappy my social life is. Makes me realize that I haven’t had a real relationship in over 3 years. I’ve talked to guys, hung out with guys… but that’s it. There is never any romantic involvement. I miss it. I miss feeling the carefree-ness of love. I miss the warm hearted feelings knowing that someone really loved me and enjoyed having me around. I just don’t feel that anymore.
I knew my life would change by having a child. I guess I just didn’t realize how hard it would be to have a social life by being a single mom. Guys don’t want a woman with a child. At least not the ones I’m around and I talk to….
i think i need to stop thinking so much
have you ever beat your head against a wall because you wanted your brain to stop thinking. I think that’s what I’m going to spend tomorrow doing.
I need to quit thinking.
I need to quit with this crazy feelings.
I need to stop having such an over active imagination.
It only leads to trouble.
stress much?
It’s been too easy to feel depressed these past couple days. I know what my depression is directly related to. The problem is how to stop it from bothering me.
Today it was related to the absent father and my stress. I have two friends at work who are pregnant. One due within a couple days and the other due in a month. They love talking about how excited their husbands are to become fathers. *ouch* right to the heart. Then I got off work late and had to rush to get Skyler and pick up the swimming bag from home before rushing to the swim lesson. I got there 10 minutes later. I was nearly in tears just thinking about how much easier it would be if his daddy was around, or I had a husband to share the responsibilities. Then it’s getting Skyler in bed. I love the baby snuggles and reading him books, but sometimes I wish someone else would take the job every once in a while. Especially the nights that I want to relax and take my shower before settling down on the computer to work on pictures. Those are the nights he fights sleep. Those are the nights that stress me the most.
Now what’s getting me down is the whole photography thing. I know I’m happiest behind the camera. I know how much I love it. I just get so down knowing that I can’t do anything with it yet. I could schedule sessions but I don’t have anybody to watch Skyler. I’ve tried taking him on sessions. They are impossible with a clingy toddler. It’s seeing other people do it. Other people who never seemed to show an interest in photography until I mentioned wanting to pursue it. Maybe it’s all in my head or maybe I have legitimate complaints.
I can’t do this anymore. It’s a constant feeling of failure. It’s feeling like I’m driving on a dead end and I have no way to turn around and backtrack to fix my mistakes. I just want one thing to go my way. I want a day where I can say that I am truly happy and not just posing with a fake smile on my face. I want to start going forward instead of falling behind.
Then the fact that I think I have carpel tunnel is not helping my mood.
I think AF is going to be here any day. This mood seems to be a monthly thing.
Happy Mothers Day
Happy Mothers Day to all moms that have love and lost, to moms that get to hold their kids everyday, to the moms that unselfishly share their time with their kids, and to the moms that are hopeful that one day they will get to experience the joy that so many others have.
I’m throwing a pity party for myself. I don’t get the traditional mother’s day that I hear so many others celebrating. I don’t get the possibility of sleeping in or breakfast in bed. My day goes on like normal. It’ll be at least a year or two before I’ll even get to hear “Happy Mother’s Day”. I know this is the life that I chose, but I didn’t chose for things to end up how they did. It has now been a year and half since I last saw the sperm donor. A year and a half since he’s seen his son. I don’t know how often he thinks about Skyler, or if he even does.
The only thing I know, is that I’m going to be in tears on father’s day and I’ll be bawling my eyes out even more when Skyler finally does ask where his daddy is. I don’t want that day to EVER come.
God help me when it does.
motherhood getting you down?
My mom asked me that tonight, and the question caught me by surprise.
Motherhood isn’t getting me down, necessarily, but more so how Skyler’s daddy comes in to play. Or how he doesn’t… It’s something that has been literally haunting my every thought for the past couple days. When it used to be something I thought about a couplet time a month. I keep wondering why I thought that things would work out between. Why I really expected him to change and keep his promises when I was so used to all the lies.
I see babies and toddlers with their daddies and my heart keeps ripping open. I read about studies proving that children brought up in two parent homes are better off than children in single parent homes. I keep feeling like one little mistake has not ruined my life but ruined someone’s life who had nothing to do with it. What did Skyler do to deserve a missing father. What am I going to tell him when he asks me why his daddy isn’t around when all the kids have dads. Why do stop breathing everytime he says “daddy” only to barely be able to answer “yes baby?”.
So yes, motherhood is getting me down, but so is fatherhood.
Just one of those days.
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So much I want to have a night where I can just cry away my stress and worries and not care about anything else.
Why do I feel like everyday I have to put a smile on my face and make people think that I’m okay?
Today is just one of those days where I’m not sure what the hell is going on. I feel so crappy. I feel so down and out. I need a distraction. I need someone to put a smile on my face. I need something for me.
would it be weird?
Would it be weird of me to just out of the blue text you telling you that I miss you. Telling you that I miss talking to you. I miss being distracted from life by your texts. It’s been to long. I hate losing friends.
so this is a hard post to write…
I’ve been feeling a bit of jealousy. I HATE being jealous of someone else. Not the feeling of wanting a material object that someone else has, but really wishing that I had their life.
I should be happy. I want to be happy, and most of the time I am.
I guess it’s just when I really start thinking how things are going. When I look at the big picture and I wonder if I’m making any progress with my life and I realize, in fact, I’m not. I still feel stuck in the same hole I’ve been in. I know I’ve grown so much as a person, and changed so much, but I don’t know how good of a change that was.
It’s when I realize that even though I’m young, marriage might never happen for me. I might never meet “the one”. Skyler, as much as I love him, might be my only child. I would love to have at least one more child, but I want to be in a healthy, loving relationship and settled down before I have another. It might be my pessimistic outlook on life that is making me think this, but truth of the matter is that I haven’t had a real relationship in over 2 years. I’ve talked with guys. Went on somewhat could be considered dates, but I haven’t felt anything. I haven’t gotten those looks, and I miss that. I miss going out. I miss having a relationship. Simply put, I guess I’m starting to get really lonely.
ugh. I think I need to take a vaca for me and Skyler. Something to bring my mood back up.
how do you tell someone you are sorry when they won’t listen to you?
I’m sorry :(
It was a mix-up, there was miscommunication and now I’m playing the blame game and putting the guilt on myself. Saturday morning didn’t happen as planned and now the silent treatment is in effect.
I suck. Truth is, I was scared, but had planned on being there. Sometimes plans don’t happen because of one reason or another. Lately that reason has been because of one person, but I can’t put the blame on him. It’s not his fault.
I definitely go through periods of happiness. Those periods of happiness usually end abruptly, only to screw up my feelings and emotions more than normal.
fucking hell….