I love….
I love….
….how every night Skyler goes to sleep snuggling a book. Yesus forbid he snuggles his stuffed animals.
….how every WEEKDAY morning he yells at me that he wants to sleep. “Light off!” he demands. Too bad he won’t sleep in on the weekends.
….when I pick him up from daycare and I’m greeted with not one, not two, not three, but FOUR (aren’t I lucky?) hugs around my legs and 1 amazing smile that I can’t wipe off his face. He’s always so glad to see me and so sad to leave daycare.
….how he offers me his bottle of water (really it’s mine) and when I turn down the offer, gets an angry look in his eyes and yells at me until I take a drink. I guess I was thirsty ;)
….the way he loves to snuggle while watching Wonderpets and the way he loves to dance while watching Backyardigans.
….the way he sings along while we are watching Wonderpets.
….how sweet, smart and amazing my wonderful little boy is.
….every moment I have with Skyler. He is my world.
my boy
He’s been making me laugh when I need it most. He makes silly faces and loves to laugh and smile. He doesn’t give smiles for anything or anybody, so every smile and every laugh I manage out of him is incredibly special.
He loves to play and wrestle and finds everything I do so hilarious. From building beds out of blocks for his stuffed animals to tossing him up in the air when we are outside. He had me lay down on the floor and then proceeded to cover me with blocks until I sat up quickly and roaring at him. That one had him falling on the floor because he was laughing so hard.
He loves snuggles at times when I need snuggles the most. He runs to me and gives me a huge hug around the legs when I arrive at his daycare. Then lets go to retrieve his stuffed lovey only to come back to me and give me another hug. He then grabs my hand and waves “bye bye” at his friends and to tell them “Bye Bye! See you morrow!”.
He shares his food with me and shares his paci at bedtime. He always wants me to lay down in his bed but settles for his giraffe and bear when I tell him that it’s not mommy’s bedtime just yet. It the morning I get a huge smile and a “Hi Mommy!” to start my day with.
I could go on and on to express how much I love him and how much joy he brings into my world. Or I could post a picture that expresses that and so much more. I love you Skyler. 2 is going to be an incredible age for you. It’s going to be an incredible year. We will live it well.
horoscopes
As silly as it may sound, I read my horoscope (several actually) and follow tarot readings everyday. I receive texts every morning with cryptic messages that make me think and receive emails with astrological words of wisdom that make me wonder.
Today’s horoscope really makes me think:
Be patient for love to make it’s way to you. You can’t control fate so enjoy being carefree now.
I’m following that advice. I need to quit worrying about when I’m going to find a relationship. I need to worry more about now. Starting now :)
daily horoscope
Horoscope for July 18th, 2008
Love doesn’t just spring up overnight. Be patient. Admirers will make themselves known soon enough
One person came to my mind when I read this. The person that I exchange witty banter with. The person that makes my heart flutter with just a simple smile.
I wish it were just as simple as asking him out…
the cure for the mommy blues
I’ve been feeling crappy the past couple days. Really full of the single mom blues. Tonight I got to talk to some awesome friends and the topic discussion is the plans for the upcoming trip to NY.
Yes! I am *hopefully, most likely* going to be going to New York. Not only to see some AMAZING friends, but to photograph one of the most amazing mommies I know, and her gorgeous daughter and her completely perfect family.
I’m ECSTATIC! The last time I was in NY was when I was 3 years old, so that doesn’t even count for really visiting it. I can’t wait to the Big Apple. I can’t wait to meet some great friends and their fabulous minis and I can’t wait to have a real vacation. I can’t wait to take a million pictures. I can’t wait to see some amazing sites. Did I mention how I can’t wait to meet some amazing people?
This trip is what is currently keeping my spirits up until this bleary days pass. I can’t wait till August :)
time for a bragging moment
He really amazes me sometimes. Sunday morning for breakfast he HAD to have milk and cereal. Normally weekends is eggs, hashbrowns and sausage. He kept telling me ‘No’ when I asked him if he wanted eggs. So I get his bowl of milk and cereal, and a sippy cup of milk. He gets mad when he couldn’t get the lid off the cup. So I take it off. I try to feed him the cereal. He gets mad when he can’t feed himself. So I let him do it himself. I’m watching him. He smiles at me, and with such expertise, uses his spoon to get some cereal and into his mouth. He looks up at me, smiles, and then picks up his cup and expertly drinks from it. He looks at me, smiles and sets it back down on the table ever so gently. Then continues to shovel his cereal in.
That’s my little guy. I’m so proud.
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Everyday I look at him and wonder how where the time went.
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My dear Skyler,
You have pushed my buttons one too many times. You have made me question why things have happened. You have made me question my ability to be a single mother.
Thank you.
All my life I have wanted to be challenged. I get bored when everything is too easy. For the first time, life isn’t easy. I’ve tried to imagine my life without you. What I imagine is my life filled with void. I’m unhappy without you. I can’t imagine being happy without you. You make me tear my hair out, but more importantly you put a smile on my face. You fill my heart with more love than I have ever felt.
I guess the more important question I should be faced with is, Would I want to imagine my life without you? The answer is “No.” You are everything to me, and you will continue to be everything to me. I know I’m not the perfect mother, and I know I have a far road to travel on before everything is set for us, but we’ll get there eventually. I promise. We are stuck together, and I’m looking forward to many years with you.
I love you Skyler. You are everything to me, and you will always be my everything.
<3 mommy
we just hit another milestone
Skyler is officially in a toddler bed. The crib has been taken down and will hopefully be gone in a couple days.
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He woke up around 10ish. I heard his crying upstairs and when I got to the room, I see him standing at my bed. I thought he wanted to lay in my bed. I get him to lay back down in his, which he does without a fight, but he kept crying. Finally I asked him if he wanted some water. He said yes. He knew his sippy cup was on the shelf above my bed. He drank his water, laid back down in his bed and instantly fell asleep.
My little guy is growing up :(
another sweet photo of him
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mon cheri
He calls me Mon Cheri, and I think he saved me from walking out of work today.
They (the executives) asked me to help out the price change team with the simple job of putting clearance sticker on 3 flats of items in the backroom. They said if me and another did the job, it wouldn’t take us more than 3 hours. They also knew that today was the day for me to do the schedule. The schedule itself takes about 10ish hours to complete. I’m only at work for 8 hours a day, so it usually ends up taking a day and a half. The deadline is noon on Thursdays. Thursdays, I’m usually equally swamped with work. They know this. Yet, they still asked for my help.
I worked on the schedule from 8am to 1130am when I went to lunch. 12pm to 230pm was spent ticketing countless boxes of tissues and other miscellaneous items. 230, I’m all set to get back to work when I get handed several more tasks. Again, they KNOW Wednesdays are schedule day. They KNOW how long it takes me to complete schedules for nearly 200 employees, especially when we are crazy short handed and we have to do a lot of switching around.
One task involved, I was told to ask a particular team member for help with, or simply put, was asked to see if she could do it. She told me that she couldn’t, she just had too much today. I nearly lost it. I spouted off how I wasn’t even close to be completed with my major task for the day, was it really too much to ask for some simple help when I had been helping others half the day. She muttered something and I replied with a “Whatever. I’ll do it myself. Next time I’ll remember to not bother to ask for help.”
I felt this equal stress all day. I had hid out in my ETL’s office to avoid people so I could work in peace. They still managed to find me and lay out problems on me that should have been up to the ETL’s to decide on. Work related problems. I have no say in the matter, I wasn’t in the mood to hear it. Lucky for me, he was there. We texted on and off the entire day and he kept me from going insane. He replaced my frown with a smile and kept my spirits up, even if for just a short period of time. He knows just what to say to turn on me, to make me happy, to make me laugh. He reads my mind and really seems to understand what I’m saying and thinking.
The fact that he does this scares me. I hate the possible relationship stage. I feel so vulnerable, so open to getting hurt. Normally, I want to shut myself off from guys, keep them away from thinking I like them, knowing its always a one-sided feeling. This time, I can’t help but open myself up and I’m just hoping that I’m not going to get a broken heart in the end.
what is going on…
he’s making me blush, making my heart race, making me feel something that I haven’t felt in so long. There has been a constant smile on my face for the past two hours. I’m filled with this incredible feeling, and I’m scared that it won’t last. I’m scared that my happiness will be short lived.
I can’t place this feeling, I just know that I want more. I’ll enjoy it while it lasts keeping my fingers crossed that this feeling never leaves.
I wish I could explain it, but it’s caught me by surprise and I don’t know what the hell is going on anymore.
this is me… really happy
I am happy right now, and I can’t even find the words to blog about it. Today was a long day, but in all honesty, I can’t even remember any stressful times that I felt today, and it’s been a long time since I’ve had days like this. Long time since I have actually had days that I enjoyed and didn’t want to end.
Skyler had a fever, so my planned day off of work turned into him staying home too. For the most part he was in good spirits, but that wore off quickly when he refused to nap. We played, I got my much deserved computer time, including time to get a few pictures processed for my friends Save the Date invites. I end the day chatting a couple hours with someone who kept a smile on my face and it’s been so long since I’ve really laughed.
I’m going to bed happy right now, and I’m hoping for good dreams. Maybe things are improving. Maybe this is a sign that life is starting to look up. Maybe something, someone?, is in my life that is changing it for the better. My pessimistic attitude is telling me to stop getting my hopes up, but a little voice is telling me not to listen.
photography, it’s an insane high
I did a mini-session for one of my bosses at work. She needed headshots for her Save the Date invites and she asked me to do them. After work we went to her house to a lake/swamp area behind their house. The weather was gorgeous and the area outside was stunning. Not to mention that her house was incredible.
They were so natural for pictures. She said she felt a little weird since she never has pictures done, but I could tell that she was enjoying it. The interaction between them two was wonderful. I could see the love surrounding them. They were so fun to photograph, it makes me wish I could do her wedding. Too bad it’s going to be in South Carolina.
Have a wonderful wedding K. You and your fiance are so cute together. You two were made for each other.
sweet love
I’ve been searching and stalking online for about a week now trying to find some kickass rings. I miss wearing a ring on each of my thumbs and then a ring on my right hand middle finger.
Finally I have come across the perfect rings.
& 
How fabulous are they! Not only does it feed into my photography obsession, but I’m hoping to get one with stars and crescent moons that will go along side the clouds and that will feed into my stars/sky obsession.
I’m going to be so excited when I order them!
I love days where I feel that everything in my life is going right. Where I’m completely happy and the smiles are carefree and natural and nowhere near being forced. I had that moment this morning. Skyler and I spent some time at a playground and I could tell how happy he was to be playing there. Running and sliding and just enjoying being a child. Even though I only got a few hours that day with that joyous feeling, I know I will have many more to come.
is it alright to ask for a do-over?
A friend asked me a very difficult question tonight. Honestly, it took me by surprise and brought tears to my eyes.
Q: Would you do it over?
I’m answering this with my laptop currently halfway in my lap, and Skyler also halfway in lap. He can’t breathe, is burning up and is breathing through his mouth and sucking on his pacifier. He sounds horrible as he pitifully whines because I know that he wants to snuggle with me in the bed. I feel terrible for keeping him up longer to post this, but my thoughts are going to keep me up if I don’t get them out.
A. I don’t necessarily want a complete do over. I love Skyler. I love him more than anything in the whole world. That’s why I’ve given up so much for him, knowing that he’s been better off while I made my sacrifices. I don’t regret getting pregnant and having him. I regret the circumstances that I got pregnant under. I regret not being in a healthy, loving relationship. I regret not having some kind of financial security. Most of all, as much as I hate saying this, I regret him not having a real father.
I do feel like I’m missing out on so much. I talk to my friends at work who go out during the week and have fun, knowing that I can’t do that. I feel like I’m missing out on my chance to have a career in photography knowing that I can’t take him with me and I have no one to watch him. I feel like I’m missing out on having a job I love because I can only work certain hours and if he gets sick, I’m the only one to take care of him.
Most of all, I feel like I’m missing out on having relationships and missing out on dating because I don’t have a babysitter to watch him at night since grandma and grandpa don’t want to. I feel like being a mom is a complete turn off to guys and the ones that it isn’t a turn off too, automatically assume that I’m married. Um… yeah. They both have happened before.
I feel like I’m a sticky situation. There is good in my life and there is the not so good. I just let the not so good outweigh the good.
finally feeling right
I think today has been one of the better days that I have had.
Skyler and I made a trip out to Shoe Carnival where I found an awesome pair of shoes for him that are literally just perfect. Then we hit the mall where I played with some external flashes and a lens that I’m still not certain I’m going to buy. Last stop was Waldenbooks where we each left with two new books and he got a little bear stuffed animal that he HAD to have. It was a clearance at 75% off, I couldn’t say no to that. Just another addition to his stuffed animal collection. This child is obsessed.
Got home, had a wonderful lunch which he scarfed down, we played with the football for about 20 minutes afterward. He’s actually learning how to catch the football when it’s thrown underhand and gently at him. We ask him if he’s ready to catch the football, and he extends his arms out to us and proceeds to catch the ball. Love it. So adorable.
Unfortunately, he only took an hour nap and came down with a fever. We are still fighting it. I’m not looking forward to a sick toddler, instead looking forward to a day of baby snuggles for tomorrow.
18 month appointment on Monday. Fun. The upside to that day is leaving work early ;) and of course, pictures to finish off this post.
