Breaking at the crack
Mar 2, 2010 rambling
I feel like I am being stretched thin. I’m taking on more responsibilities at work because we are short handed. And I see myself getting used in the near future. Because I’m happy to help out when others need help and I hate seeing the people I work with struggle.
That’s when I realize that the only good thing about my job is the friends I have made there. The people that I love so much and look forward to working with everyday. The ones that I know I can count on to get me through my day, listen to me rant when things get frustrating and go with me to McDonalds for lunch on the day that we are ready to walk out and tell them fuck you, we are tired of putting up with your bullshit. When we then realize that no matter what, there is always going to be something that makes our days more frustrating than we want it too. But we always end up laughing about it in the end.
And I put up with the daily struggles for one person.
I’m still struggling to make sense of the untold story. It fills my heart and my thoughts daily. It’s definitely the one thing I wish was easier for me to handle.
But I will take everything one day at a time, and get through the black hole I feel like I have fallen into.
Stress dreams
Feb 26, 2010 The Mom, rambling, the boy, the sperm donor
The past week has been my worst week of sleep. Waking up several times a night, having overly realistic dreams on top of that. And then when I do sleep for more than an hour at a time, I have such a realistic and horrific dream that I can’t even be sure my brain was relaxed enough to benefit from the sleep.
And for the first time since I can remember, I had a dream about Skyler’s father. He showed up out if nowhere. He talked to me like we had just met. He barely acknowledged Skyler and of course Skyler took no notice to him. But what really hurt the most was how I remember thinking how Skyler deserved to know that the man was his father, but I just couldn’t tell him. Until he left the room. That was when I told Skyler who that man was. A simple “Skyler, did you know that us your daddy?” and then I woke up, feeling empty, let down, broken-hearted and most of confused. I know how hurt I am that he left us. I hate him for what he did, but I also imagine him coming back and then wanting to welcome him with as open arms as I can muster. And now I feel that my dream is telling me that I won’t be able to let him back into our lives. That I will go as far to protect Skyler from the man who has hurt both of us, by lying and avoiding telling him who his father his. To protect him from the man who has killed my dream of having the family I want. But is it really my ex’s fault that I am broken and holding a grudge that I feel is preventing me from happiness. Or is it mine? And will time heal these wounds or do I have to find the strength to put the past behind me. Embrace the future that scares me….
Each day
Jan 30, 2010 rambling
I know that it has been a while since I last updated this blog. Truthfully, I have no interest in keeping either of my blogs updated. And that sadden me.
But I am going to try to post something of an update.
Er…. Or how about the newest yarn I have dyed…. Since I have nothing close to exciting to talk about.
semi-wordless wednesday
Jan 6, 2010 photography, rambling
My days have been filled with this
and this
and this
.
Of course work and sleep and eating are added into the equation, but I don’t have a photo to represent those.
I feel like there is something missing…
Goodbye 2009, Hello 2010
Jan 1, 2010 rambling
I tried to post this last night, typed it out on my phone, and then when I hit the “save draft” the phone restarts. Maybe I can remember what I wanted to say.
I’m not usually a fan of New Year’s Resolutions. No one ever keeps them. They get forgotten in the first couple weeks. I usually forget to make them. But this year isn’t about resolutions. It’s about complete changes. Mind over matter, right?
So I have compiled a list, in no particular order about what I want to change this year.
1 – New Job, New Home - While my dream of living in California this year is not going to happen, I’m picking a date. 11.11.11. November 11th, 2011. I’ve always had a fascination with the time 11:11 and the many myths and legends of what it means. And I feel like that would be a good date to make this change. Just as I feel certain that California is where Skyler and I are meant to live. So in the meantime, it’s a new place for Skyler and I and a new job to go along with it. I like my job right now. I love the people I work with. But the pay isn’t worth what I put into it. And I’m going into the horrid economy to try to find a better paying job. And I feel stupid, for leaving behind a guaranteed 40 hour a week, mon-fri job. A job that is secure. And I hate new jobs. I hate the whole process, from putting in applications and resumes, to the dreaded interview process.
2 – Fall in love - I’m not talking about the type of relationship where “we are both madly in love, can’t live without the other, let’s jump the gun and elope”. I’m talking about a relationship where I am completely and utterly happy of who I am with. Where he loves me, I love him. I could definitely see us having a future together when we are ready. I think I’m just tired of the constant loneliness of not having someone there for me. But I guess I just haven’t met the guy that is meant to be the one?
3 – Being happy - My biggest thing now is that I’m not happy. I’m grateful for everything I have in my life. I’m grateful for my friends and family. I’m grateful for my adoring and completely amazing child. But I feel like I’m missing out on so much. I feel like there is a piece of my heart that is missing and it needs to be filled. And I want to be happy. I want to live each day filling loved and cared about instead of just being here. I hate feeling like I’m holding onto a false sense of hope of being happy. I want it to happen. I am trying, but it seems that when I push, there is also some unstoppable force pushing back at me. And unfortunately it’s a lot stronger than I am right now…
4 – Blog more; Rant less - Let’s face it, 2009 was a bad year for blogging. I think it had a lot to do with slight depression and the constant feel that my life was crumbling before my eyes. Constantly ranting and complaining about my life wasn’t something that I wanted to be in the publics eye. So I kept the ranting and whining to myself (except for the constant whines on MSN and texts to my wonderful friends) until I felt like I was going to burst. In a fit of desperation, I made a private blog where I now post my rants. No one reads it. I can whine and rant and let out my frustrations and unhappiness without feeling like I get the constant “She’s whining again??” from those that read this blog. But now that I have the place for me to let loose, this blog has gone un-used. And I feel guilty. So I’m making it a mission to blog more. Blog happier. Take more photos. Knit more. And blog about my daily life recording instead of my daily rants about what is wrong. Instead, let’s share what is right.
So bring it on 2010. I’m ready for these changes in my life.
knitter’s love
Dec 14, 2009 Itty Bitty Knits, etsy, knitting, photography, projects, rambling
It’s astonishing to me how much I have grown to love knitting. For only doing it for a years time, it’s become my most loved hobby. I carry a knitting project everywhere with me and I often bring it out at work and knit a few rows on my lunch. I don’t get embarrassed or think of it as “the granny hobby”. The only time that I don’t like knitting is when I’m working on a project and I decide that I want to keep it. I decide that giving it to it’s rightful owner will kill me, so while the needles are flying, I’m putting together a plan so I don’t have to give up the knitted up. Like these….
Simply known as the purple longies. But if there was a way to be in love with a knitted item, I have found it. They are simply gorgeous. Just look at the colors and the pattern that the variegated yarn forms!
This next photo shows more true to life colors. And the cuff. The best part. A garter eyelet stitch cuff. And while I’m a fugly garter stitch hater, I’m a garter eyelet stitch lover.
But, I’m going to share some joyous news. I’m almost out of the yarn. This yarn. Cascade 220 Superwash Paints. In Grape. Such a scrumptious name! Cascade Superwash Paints is a wonderful yarn. Soft, machine washable, even though I would probably just handwash them. I mean, if the longies were mine. And I wish that they were. But then that means that I would need a little baby girl to wear them…..
Anyways… so I’m down to about 40 more yards of the yarn when I need at least 80-100 yards. So I ordered some more of the yarn (since I can use it for a super cute stocking cap to sell on my Etsy). So while I’m patiently waiting for the yarn, I’m enjoying my limited time with the longies. Gazing longingly at the colors and the sweet cuff. Admiring my stitch work. It really is nicely done.. Sigh… I really hope the owner loves these longies as much as I do…
so not my cup of tea…
Dec 6, 2009 photography, rambling, ranting
Would I be a total scrooge if I admitted that I don’t get excited about the holidays? I don’t like the added stress. I don’t like how busy people get. And I really don’t like how consumer driven the holidays are. All everyone cares about is presents. What they are getting. What they are getting other people. What happened to when the holidays meant being with your family and the ones you love? I couldn’t care less about presents. I enjoy seeing Skyler’s face light up while we are making sugar cookies and seeing the Christmas tree lit up.
We made cookies this weekend. He got a special tree for his room this weekend and we made a few little ornaments for it. I have photos of the cooking making, but none of the tree yet. Those I will get tomorrow.
And another reason for not liking the holidays? It gets too COLD. I’m tired of the cold weather. I’m tired of the talk of snow. Give me sun. Give me heat. Put the jackets away. Put the long sleeve shirts away. No more scarves, mittens, coats, winter hats. I want summer! Ugh… How many more months of winter are left???
the rainboots
Oct 13, 2009 knitting, photography, rambling
I’m really starting to wonder how much more I can suck at posting in my blog.
Nothing new going on. Just work, Skyler, knitting, home and sleep. That’s what my day to day life consists of.
blah…
ditto on the burn out…
Oct 2, 2009 The Mom, knitting, rambling, ranting, the boy
I am near collapsing from exhaustion currently, but excitement over being 99.99% done with a knitting project has me up and awake for at least another 30 minutes…
This week has not been fun….
I had intended on taking Tuesday as a half day. Spend the morning at work getting what I needed done and spending the rest of the day relaxing at the library, reading and knitting. Instead, I went to bed Monday night with my stomach tossing and turning (and not in a good way) only to wake up a couple hours later throwing up. And I continued to be sick with the dreadful stomach bug for the following 12 hours. I knew I wouldn’t be able to take care of the Sky-guy, so he went to daycare and I went back to bed. Only to wake up 7 hours later (after waking up to run to the bathroom and then back to sleep several times) to pick him up from daycare. The rest of the night was spent on the couch while he lazied it up watching tv. I didn’t feel a tad guilty because I needed my rest. Gma was incredibly gracious to get him fed and then after dinner he was back on the couch with me. Once 8pm hit, we dragged (drug?) ourselves upstairs, brushed the teeth, washed up and went straight to sleep.
The next morning I was fine and dandy except for the remaining exhaustion and feeling like I had been run-over by an 18 wheeler the previous day.
Work sucked the whole rest of the week. I would rather have spent the past three days being whipped and beaten by slave drivers then at the Targhetto. Playing catch-up with MY work while being expected to help the rest of the store play catch-up is not good for the soul or the mood.
But this week is almost behind me. Tomorrow (or today I guess…) is another day. Sky-guy and I will spend the morning at the library, then to the Targhetto to present my client/friend with her scarf order and then home to rest, clean, play and just enjoy the rest of the day and the weekend.
Hopefully next week will be better…
9 inches?? oh my!
Sep 28, 2009 knitting, love, photography, rambling
Do you know what this is?
Do you know what this means?
It means I can finally knit babylegs and the legs of longies without dpns.
Is it sad when I get excited about a 9″ circular needle? Is it sad when I stalk the mailman for a simple knitting needle??
Maybe….
But just look at the short circular knitting needle goodness.
I found out about the Hiya Hiya 9″ circular needles while googling looking for a good priced 12″ knitting needle. I knew that it would still be too big for newborn and small sized longies, but it would be useful to have. Imagine my surprise when I found a blog raving about the new Hiya Hiya 9″ circular needles. Of course they were blogged about over a year ago, but they are new to me. After reading the blog, I knew that I had to have them. I coveted them and drooled over them. I imagined how amazing they would be and how smooth the yarn would slide of them. Then I got them in the mail today. After waiting only a million years for them. Ok. I’m exaggerating. I waited half a million years. So I tried them out and I am in love. They are perfect. They are TINY. At first very weird to knit with, but I’m getting used to the size. And now I know… I have to have more. I want some in smaller sizes. For socks. ooooh… Socks would be heavenly to knit on these needles….
