Psychotically Sane

Archive for the ‘rambling’ Category

Tonight I learned….

…. I make stupid mistakes in math. I have got to slow down when I do my homework and when I do the tests.
… Skyler doesn’t like it when I do my school work and can’t play with him.
… I’m slowly finding my groove and feeling more in control of studying for school.
… the medical field really holds my interest.
… I don’t admire anyone famous. Even though my first paper for English is on just that.
… I stress less while studying when I knit.
… I won’t have to be up until midnight or later studying for school. I was done tonight at 10:30.
…maybe I really can do this. Just as long as I keep up the can do attitude. I can totally do this.

And over the next few weeks my faithful blog readers will learn that my posts will include less and less photos than ever. The iTouch is awesome for blogging on. Not so much for including photos. But maybe I can spare some time for photography, the post processing involved and then finally pulling out a blog post with photos. <3

School started. 2 days in and I am already getting flustered. Full time employee, full time single parent and now I am adding full time student to my plate. And I keep telling myself that it’s all too much. I don’t have time. I don’t have time. I don’t have fucking time. And yet, I’m not listening to the rational part of my self conscious that is screaming at the irrational part. I’m telling myself I can do this. But when I go to bed at midnight, only to wake up at 6am to get myself and Skyler ready for a full day of work & preschool, and I haven’t finished all the school work I wanted to finish today, I feel pretty damn shitty.

I know it just started. I know that i have to get into a routine. But what happens when I fall behind only 1 week in?
Or am I stupid for worrying about that. Am I over reacting when I think that I will have to study 7 days a week just to keep up? Am I over reacting when I get aggravated by the fact that I have to take off work to go on campus to take biweekly tests for one class and 1 test a month for another? This is online classes. Whatever happened to it being scheduled on my time, around my schedule?!?!

Maybe my negativity is all due to my sleep depravation. I refuse to think I am over stressed already. But I know it’s coming. And it scares me. The unknown scares me. The future scares me because I don’t know what is in store. I just wish I had one idea of where my life is going. But I don’t.

And on that random note I end this post. Because I am tired. And my alarm will be going off in 5hrs and 10 minutes. From then I will push the snooze button for at least 30 minutes wishing i could sleep for at least another 2-3 hours.

There is just not enough time in the day….

I guess even on an August break I still can’t update everyday. Bah humbug.

School starts August 30th. Saying I’m nervous would be an understatement. I’m scared out of my mind. I have gotten 5 of my books so far. Waiting on 4 more. The classes are all online. And I’m antsy. I’m ready for it to start so I can have some idea of how the next 2 years is going to be. So I can have an idea of what the 2 years following that is going to be when I go to turn the associates degree into a bachelors.

Failing is my ultimate fear.

Finally, after about a million fucking years, I’m going back to school. I’m kicking myself for doing it so late in the game. I’m kicking myself for taking so many years off. And I’m kicking myself because while every application I have to turn in, every piece of vital information they need from me is turned in, I might not get the financial aid I need to be able to cover the costs of school. Because, in my normal procrastination ways, I waited to send in for my transcripts. And they took a lot longer than what I expected. I filled out the FAFSA & the admission application about a month & a half ago. But I procrastinated on getting the transcripts to them. Because they don’t do anything with the financial aid applications until they have transcripts. So now I have 1 week to pay for the classes I’m taking. 1 week of praying & hoping that I get awarded SOMETHING. 1 week of trying to figure out if that’s enough time to get a student loan.

-sigh-

And if I don’t get the money by August 12th, I’m going to have to drop the classes and try again Spring Semester. And maybe then I can make sure I have everything turned in on time and get registered for classes before they are full. (I managed to get 4 out of the 5/6 I intended on taking).

And for my August Break…. even though I posted a mouthful…

I am taking an August Break….
Okay, here’s the plan for the August break: you simply share one photo (or more!) per day on your blog – Monday to Friday, or every day. Or whenever you want. Using any camera – DSLR, compact, Polaroid, Holga, iPhone (my choice), Instax, 35mm, video – with or without words – anything goes – for the whole of August. No pressure – just looking at August through your camera lens as a way to be more present this summer. And to have a little break from the pressures and expectations of regular blogging.

Because I haven’t regularly blogged since June. (probably before that.)
Because I miss blogging so much.
Because I feel pressured to blog. Only to come here and not know what to say.
Because this is the perfect challenge inspiration to get back into blogging.

I decided that I needed to update my ravelry stash and project photos. So while taking photos of the yarn, Skyler decided to jump in and get in on the action.

I love my sweet booger butt.

Saturday, we spent a few hours at the zoo with some wonderful friends.

And I got over my fear of fingering weight yarn and took the plunge to knit a shawl.

I’ve more than doubled my progress since taking this photo this morning.

And today we spent a few hours outside, in the blistering heat & scorching sun. Splashing and swimming in the pool.

what a wonderful weekend it was.

This photo of Downtown Nashville was taken Monday May 3rd….

photo by Kelseywynns (linked to take you to his photo page)

After Nashville was hit with 13.5 inches of rain over two days, causing many rivers, creeks & lakes to flood. May 1st & 2nd 2010 will be monumental days for Nashville and several surrounding cities. They will be remembered as days that many lives were lost, homes & businesses destroyed, families hopes and dreams gone.

Myself and my family were not affected too badly. My brother’s basement was flooded a little and my parents car got flooded. But compared to thousands who lost everything, I am grateful that we were lucky. But you can’t go a day without hearing about the flood. You can’t go a day without seeing something in the newspaper, on the news, some photo of the damage. And things aren’t going to change anytime soon. We will still be talking about this for months, years…. because that’s how long it will take to clean up the damage.

It’s truly a devastating site for several cities who never imagined we would be going through this.

But even through the horrendous storms, these little baby birds managed to survive…

These baby robins hatched Monday morning, after the mommy bird sat in the nest for two days straight, protecting her eggs. Her strong nest in a small Japanese Maple tree.

I’m glad my little birds are safe. I love peeking into the nest, and seeing them grow. Nature is a wonderful thing :)

I was strictly a wool lover. I would buy the cheapy cotton peaches n’ cream yarn to satisfy a need to buy yarn. Not sure what I have planned for knitting with it. I had a plan at the time. I was still a cotton hater though. It was stiff, scratchy, felt like cardboard. Just a tad softer than acrylic.
Then I got the news that Knit Picks was introducing new colors into their Simply Cotton line. I’m a yarn addict. I HAD to have it. So I found a pattern and decided to the try the yarn. Maybe it would be like Blue Sky Alpacas 100% organic cotton. (only the most amazing cotton yarn in the world, just too pricy) I couldn’t decide on a color, so I bought from the Simply Cotton Organic Sport yarn. The Malted Milk color. (bottom right if you click the link) Picked out a pattern to knit with it.
And I cast on. Had some doubts. The yarn was too thin. I like my worsted and bulky weight. The yarn was soft yes, but doesn’t glide across my bamboo needles like wool. So I bought some nickel-plated needles I needed. Yarn glides a little easier, but still not like wool. I kept knitting. And then I got farther into the project and I was converted. The drape is extraordinary. The lightness, the airiness of the fineness of the sport weight. Perfect. Utterly, absolutely, incredibly perfect. And I’m completely converted. I want more projects to knit with sport weight. I want to break out my fingering weight yarn and knit with it.
I want to buy more of this cotton yarn and knit a shawl.
I am now an equal opportunity yarn addict. Except for acrylic. It still sucks. hardcore.

I feel like I am being stretched thin. I’m taking on more responsibilities at work because we are short handed. And I see myself getting used in the near future. Because I’m happy to help out when others need help and I hate seeing the people I work with struggle.

That’s when I realize that the only good thing about my job is the friends I have made there. The people that I love so much and look forward to working with everyday. The ones that I know I can count on to get me through my day, listen to me rant when things get frustrating and go with me to McDonalds for lunch on the day that we are ready to walk out and tell them fuck you, we are tired of putting up with your bullshit. When we then realize that no matter what, there is always going to be something that makes our days more frustrating than we want it too. But we always end up laughing about it in the end.

And I put up with the daily struggles for one person.

I’m still struggling to make sense of the untold story. It fills my heart and my thoughts daily. It’s definitely the one thing I wish was easier for me to handle.

But I will take everything one day at a time, and get through the black hole I feel like I have fallen into.

The past week has been my worst week of sleep. Waking up several times a night, having overly realistic dreams on top of that. And then when I do sleep for more than an hour at a time, I have such a realistic and horrific dream that I can’t even be sure my brain was relaxed enough to benefit from the sleep.

And for the first time since I can remember, I had a dream about Skyler’s father. He showed up out if nowhere. He talked to me like we had just met. He barely acknowledged Skyler and of course Skyler took no notice to him. But what really hurt the most was how I remember thinking how Skyler deserved to know that the man was his father, but I just couldn’t tell him. Until he left the room. That was when I told Skyler who that man was. A simple “Skyler, did you know that us your daddy?” and then I woke up, feeling empty, let down, broken-hearted and most of confused. I know how hurt I am that he left us. I hate him for what he did, but I also imagine him coming back and then wanting to welcome him with as open arms as I can muster. And now I feel that my dream is telling me that I won’t be able to let him back into our lives. That I will go as far to protect Skyler from the man who has hurt both of us, by lying and avoiding telling him who his father his. To protect him from the man who has killed my dream of having the family I want. But is it really my ex’s fault that I am broken and holding a grudge that I feel is preventing me from happiness. Or is it mine? And will time heal these wounds or do I have to find the strength to put the past behind me. Embrace the future that scares me….