Psychotically Sane

Archive for the ‘ranting’ Category

School started. 2 days in and I am already getting flustered. Full time employee, full time single parent and now I am adding full time student to my plate. And I keep telling myself that it’s all too much. I don’t have time. I don’t have time. I don’t have fucking time. And yet, I’m not listening to the rational part of my self conscious that is screaming at the irrational part. I’m telling myself I can do this. But when I go to bed at midnight, only to wake up at 6am to get myself and Skyler ready for a full day of work & preschool, and I haven’t finished all the school work I wanted to finish today, I feel pretty damn shitty.

I know it just started. I know that i have to get into a routine. But what happens when I fall behind only 1 week in?
Or am I stupid for worrying about that. Am I over reacting when I think that I will have to study 7 days a week just to keep up? Am I over reacting when I get aggravated by the fact that I have to take off work to go on campus to take biweekly tests for one class and 1 test a month for another? This is online classes. Whatever happened to it being scheduled on my time, around my schedule?!?!

Maybe my negativity is all due to my sleep depravation. I refuse to think I am over stressed already. But I know it’s coming. And it scares me. The unknown scares me. The future scares me because I don’t know what is in store. I just wish I had one idea of where my life is going. But I don’t.

And on that random note I end this post. Because I am tired. And my alarm will be going off in 5hrs and 10 minutes. From then I will push the snooze button for at least 30 minutes wishing i could sleep for at least another 2-3 hours.

There is just not enough time in the day….

Would I be a total scrooge if I admitted that I don’t get excited about the holidays? I don’t like the added stress. I don’t like how busy people get. And I really don’t like how consumer driven the holidays are. All everyone cares about is presents. What they are getting. What they are getting other people. What happened to when the holidays meant being with your family and the ones you love? I couldn’t care less about presents. I enjoy seeing Skyler’s face light up while we are making sugar cookies and seeing the Christmas tree lit up.

We made cookies this weekend. He got a special tree for his room this weekend and we made a few little ornaments for it. I have photos of the cooking making, but none of the tree yet. Those I will get tomorrow.

And another reason for not liking the holidays? It gets too COLD. I’m tired of the cold weather. I’m tired of the talk of snow. Give me sun. Give me heat. Put the jackets away. Put the long sleeve shirts away. No more scarves, mittens, coats, winter hats. I want summer! Ugh… How many more months of winter are left???

I am near collapsing from exhaustion currently, but excitement over being 99.99% done with a knitting project has me up and awake for at least another 30 minutes…

This week has not been fun….

I had intended on taking Tuesday as a half day. Spend the morning at work getting what I needed done and spending the rest of the day relaxing at the library, reading and knitting. Instead, I went to bed Monday night with my stomach tossing and turning (and not in a good way) only to wake up a couple hours later throwing up. And I continued to be sick with the dreadful stomach bug for the following 12 hours. I knew I wouldn’t be able to take care of the Sky-guy, so he went to daycare and I went back to bed. Only to wake up 7 hours later (after waking up to run to the bathroom and then back to sleep several times) to pick him up from daycare. The rest of the night was spent on the couch while he lazied it up watching tv. I didn’t feel a tad guilty because I needed my rest. Gma was incredibly gracious to get him fed and then after dinner he was back on the couch with me. Once 8pm hit, we dragged (drug?) ourselves upstairs, brushed the teeth, washed up and went straight to sleep.

The next morning I was fine and dandy except for the remaining exhaustion and feeling like I had been run-over by an 18 wheeler the previous day.

Work sucked the whole rest of the week. I would rather have spent the past three days being whipped and beaten by slave drivers then at the Targhetto. Playing catch-up with MY work while being expected to help the rest of the store play catch-up is not good for the soul or the mood.

But this week is almost behind me. Tomorrow (or today I guess…) is another day. Sky-guy and I will spend the morning at the library, then to the Targhetto to present my client/friend with her scarf order and then home to rest, clean, play and just enjoy the rest of the day and the weekend.

Hopefully next week will be better…

I have to admit; I hear of my friends being pregnant. I see people everyday who are pregnant. I work with pregnant people. It’s frustrating and annoying because sometimes I really miss that pregnant feeling. Sometimes I wish that was me.

Then I come flying back to reality and I’m thankful that it’s not. Because lets face it, my life is screwed up right now. It would be the best idea not to add another one to the mix. But there is that nagging feeling back in my head that I should have made one minuscule decision. And everything would be different. One fucking decision and I could feel like my life is going somewhere and not fucking dragging along the ground while I stumble around blindly to pick it up.

I’m tired, unhappy, exhausted and just feeling down. I’m tired of these terrible twos that have lasted since before he was 1. I’m tired of his too short of a temper and the fact that he never wants to go to sleep. I’m tired of the crankiness and tired of feeling like I just never get the break that I so crave. If I can have one single week of no tears, no temper tantrums and no sultry attitude, I would be in great shape. And then of course I ponder that decision I almost made but turned my back on when I imagined how things were going to be. When the promises were made to me and I pushed aside the thought that kept telling me that they were going to end up being broken promises.

Now that voice is telling me how badly I screwed up…..

And now that I’ve opened up my heart in the place I’ve tried to keep it under control, I’m going to go drink my sorrows away. Rum & Coke is good for that.

Again, I apologize for the crappy blogging. There is a lot going on right now and it’s putting me in a very funky mindset.
Nashville has been hit with a horrible gas shortage. Since the Friday before Hurricane Ike hit. so for over a week it has been gas stations with bags over the pumps, no gas signs, lights out and no prices up. It has been wondering when a station will have gas so we can fill the car to get to where we need to go. It’s been waiting in line for up to hours just to fill the vehicle up. And every time a gas station gets a new delivery, it’s madhouse.
What an amazing time we live in. I can’t wait to see how much worse it’s going to get as the failing economy really goes down. *rolls eyes*

And then of course there is work. I’m trying to enjoy being where I’m at, but it’s getting hard. I enjoy what I do, but the moral is so low at work and I highly doubt the uppers even realize it. I’ve been putting in my resumes for a couple of weeks now. Hopefully soon I will here something. Hopefully soon I will find my silver lining on my dark gray cloud. There is currently only one thing at work that keeps my mood up and even I don’t know how much longer that will last and if it will keep up.

More on that another time, faithful readers. I’m trying to keep up with blogging and my photography but I need to break out of this funk first. Bear with me until then.

Work was exciting. Not. Guest service received a “suspicious package”. Police called in. Doors closed so no one could go in or out for a little bit. Then they relaxed. I’ll find out tomorrow what happened after I left.

Besides that, work was boring. I’m supposed to be in NYC right now. Spending a fabulous week with friends. It didn’t work out that way. I’m sulking this week. Majorly bummed. The trip to So Cal in November will make up for it a little bit. I still get to spend time with one kick ass friend. And have a playdate with two other kick ass friends. Have I mentioned yet how excited I am???

14 days till Skyler’s birthday. Exactly two weeks. I’m getting my hopes up that FOB {SOB} will call this year. I’m not getting my hopes up on his sending Skyler a present or offering money in hopes that I will forgive him. Just a call. Just to ask how he is doing. Is that too much to ask?

And just because I can’t but help myself. I’m going to get a yummmmy new phone September 1st. I get to upgrade my phone. So I’m going to get a super yummy LG Voyager. Touch screen. Full QWERTY keyboard.Uses Micro SD cards. Seriously. Uber delicious.

Tomorrow I’m going to share some pictures from this past weekend :)

This will probably be the first of many pity posts.

I’m ready to break. I’m ready to call it quits. I’m stressed, tired, exhausted, lonely, currently excruciatingly unhappy and I’ve been stretched too thin. I’m tired of days like today where I feel like I get no kind of respect at work. I’m tired of days like today where I can’t finish my tasks on time because I can’t get some executive input. I can’t finish certain tasks until I get executive approval that it’s okay. And if they decide that what I need isn’t important enough, it doesn’t get to me in time. Which means I get a bad score because someone else couldn’t get their shit together.

I can’t do this anymore. I’ve been thinking about the sperm donor more. I didn’t want to. He’s the last thing I need on my mind. But he was. It’s been almost 21 months since he’s last seen Skyler. It’s been almost 9 months since I last talked to him. When he promised me child support. He disappeared and I couldn’t get it. It KILLS me what he’s doing to me. To Skyler. The fact that he’s killed any kind of hope for Skyler having the ideal family of a mom and a dad. I don’t care how much love Skyler gets from everyone else in his family, nobody can replace the father. NOBODY.

I want my vacation. I haven’t had a vacation for what feels like 2 years. The vacation I was planning on taking has been canceled.

I’ve held this in for too long. I don’t vent anymore. Not to myself, not to my blog (until now), not to anybody else. I’m holding it in and it’s breaking me. It’s ready to break out. I want to scream. I want to pull my hair out. I want a night filled with tears so I can get past this crappy feeling. Others are noticing how I’m acting. I can’t fake my smiles anymore. I can’t fake my good moods anymore.

I’m feeling crappy and I need a vacation. I need something to calm things down…. and I don’t think a big bottle of Jack Daniels is going to do it this time.

Skyler’s been really aggressive today. I laughed about it to grandma and she replies back with “That’s why little boys usually have daddies.” I know she didn’t mean for it be said harshly, but that’s how I took it. As a shot to my heart.

Everyone knows that politics and religion are touchy subjects. Its incredibly personal and usually ends up in debate. Unfortunately, religious debates usually end up in arguments and judgmental remarks.

Today I got personally attacked for my lack of religion. I’ve been “attacked” before for not believing in God. I’ve been attacked for not knowing what I believe in. I’ve blown it off before, today it really bothered me.

Today at work, I was talking to M while covering K’s break. K walked in on a conversation M & I were having. After I walked off, K said to M “You know she’s not a Christian, right? You have to be careful around non-Christians”. M didn’t have to tell me that she said this. M is a Christian but said that she got offended by this remark, which is why she felt I should know what was said. Religious comments are not appropriate at work. K just doesn’t seem to understand that.

It hurts that I’m judged because I don’t go to church. It hurts that I’m judged because I don’t completely believe that there is a God. It hurts that I’m judged because this is the way I was raised. My dad was raised Jewish, my mom was raised Catholic. They decided when they got married that they wouldn’t force a religion onto us. It was our decision. I don’t believe I’ve grown up ignorant about the Bible and what it teaches. I think that being able to choose what I believe and don’t believe has taught me to be a more understanding and well-rounded person. I will listen if a person respectfully talks about their religion. I get offended when a person shoves their religion down my throat and claims “All good people believe in God and read the bible.”

I’m still pissed how I was treated today. I don’t judge people based on their religious beliefs, I’d like to receive the same courtesy.

Oh.. and of course my HR boss has a letter sitting on her desk about the incident today. I’m not going to let K get away with disrespecting me. I’ll gladly fight ;)