my exuses…
Again, I apologize for the crappy blogging. There is a lot going on right now and it’s putting me in a very funky mindset.
Nashville has been hit with a horrible gas shortage. Since the Friday before Hurricane Ike hit. so for over a week it has been gas stations with bags over the pumps, no gas signs, lights out and no prices up. It has been wondering when a station will have gas so we can fill the car to get to where we need to go. It’s been waiting in line for up to hours just to fill the vehicle up. And every time a gas station gets a new delivery, it’s madhouse.
What an amazing time we live in. I can’t wait to see how much worse it’s going to get as the failing economy really goes down. *rolls eyes*
And then of course there is work. I’m trying to enjoy being where I’m at, but it’s getting hard. I enjoy what I do, but the moral is so low at work and I highly doubt the uppers even realize it. I’ve been putting in my resumes for a couple of weeks now. Hopefully soon I will here something. Hopefully soon I will find my silver lining on my dark gray cloud. There is currently only one thing at work that keeps my mood up and even I don’t know how much longer that will last and if it will keep up.
More on that another time, faithful readers. I’m trying to keep up with blogging and my photography but I need to break out of this funk first. Bear with me until then.
Work was exciting. Not. Guest service received a “suspicious package”. Police called in. Doors closed so no one could go in or out for a little bit. Then they relaxed. I’ll find out tomorrow what happened after I left.
Besides that, work was boring. I’m supposed to be in NYC right now. Spending a fabulous week with friends. It didn’t work out that way. I’m sulking this week. Majorly bummed. The trip to So Cal in November will make up for it a little bit. I still get to spend time with one kick ass friend. And have a playdate with two other kick ass friends. Have I mentioned yet how excited I am???
14 days till Skyler’s birthday. Exactly two weeks. I’m getting my hopes up that FOB {SOB} will call this year. I’m not getting my hopes up on his sending Skyler a present or offering money in hopes that I will forgive him. Just a call. Just to ask how he is doing. Is that too much to ask?
And just because I can’t but help myself. I’m going to get a yummmmy new phone September 1st. I get to upgrade my phone. So I’m going to get a super yummy LG Voyager. Touch screen. Full QWERTY keyboard.Uses Micro SD cards. Seriously. Uber delicious.
Tomorrow I’m going to share some pictures from this past weekend :)
pity post
This will probably be the first of many pity posts.
I’m ready to break. I’m ready to call it quits. I’m stressed, tired, exhausted, lonely, currently excruciatingly unhappy and I’ve been stretched too thin. I’m tired of days like today where I feel like I get no kind of respect at work. I’m tired of days like today where I can’t finish my tasks on time because I can’t get some executive input. I can’t finish certain tasks until I get executive approval that it’s okay. And if they decide that what I need isn’t important enough, it doesn’t get to me in time. Which means I get a bad score because someone else couldn’t get their shit together.
I can’t do this anymore. I’ve been thinking about the sperm donor more. I didn’t want to. He’s the last thing I need on my mind. But he was. It’s been almost 21 months since he’s last seen Skyler. It’s been almost 9 months since I last talked to him. When he promised me child support. He disappeared and I couldn’t get it. It KILLS me what he’s doing to me. To Skyler. The fact that he’s killed any kind of hope for Skyler having the ideal family of a mom and a dad. I don’t care how much love Skyler gets from everyone else in his family, nobody can replace the father. NOBODY.
I want my vacation. I haven’t had a vacation for what feels like 2 years. The vacation I was planning on taking has been canceled.
I’ve held this in for too long. I don’t vent anymore. Not to myself, not to my blog (until now), not to anybody else. I’m holding it in and it’s breaking me. It’s ready to break out. I want to scream. I want to pull my hair out. I want a night filled with tears so I can get past this crappy feeling. Others are noticing how I’m acting. I can’t fake my smiles anymore. I can’t fake my good moods anymore.
I’m feeling crappy and I need a vacation. I need something to calm things down…. and I don’t think a big bottle of Jack Daniels is going to do it this time.
that’s why little boys have daddies….
Skyler’s been really aggressive today. I laughed about it to grandma and she replies back with “That’s why little boys usually have daddies.” I know she didn’t mean for it be said harshly, but that’s how I took it. As a shot to my heart.
judging based on religion
Everyone knows that politics and religion are touchy subjects. Its incredibly personal and usually ends up in debate. Unfortunately, religious debates usually end up in arguments and judgmental remarks.
Today I got personally attacked for my lack of religion. I’ve been “attacked” before for not believing in God. I’ve been attacked for not knowing what I believe in. I’ve blown it off before, today it really bothered me.
Today at work, I was talking to M while covering K’s break. K walked in on a conversation M & I were having. After I walked off, K said to M “You know she’s not a Christian, right? You have to be careful around non-Christians”. M didn’t have to tell me that she said this. M is a Christian but said that she got offended by this remark, which is why she felt I should know what was said. Religious comments are not appropriate at work. K just doesn’t seem to understand that.
It hurts that I’m judged because I don’t go to church. It hurts that I’m judged because I don’t completely believe that there is a God. It hurts that I’m judged because this is the way I was raised. My dad was raised Jewish, my mom was raised Catholic. They decided when they got married that they wouldn’t force a religion onto us. It was our decision. I don’t believe I’ve grown up ignorant about the Bible and what it teaches. I think that being able to choose what I believe and don’t believe has taught me to be a more understanding and well-rounded person. I will listen if a person respectfully talks about their religion. I get offended when a person shoves their religion down my throat and claims “All good people believe in God and read the bible.”
I’m still pissed how I was treated today. I don’t judge people based on their religious beliefs, I’d like to receive the same courtesy.
Oh.. and of course my HR boss has a letter sitting on her desk about the incident today. I’m not going to let K get away with disrespecting me. I’ll gladly fight ;)
Leo horoscope — Monday, June 9th 2008
Something romantic that happens today will change the course of the rest of your year in a big way….
I receive daily horoscopes via text on my phone. Today’s text has made me question astrology and love in general. I’ve always been a big astrology fanatic. Always reading my horoscope and reading into signs. It all means something. It all ties in with how we live our life and what happens. I can’t figure out what today’s horoscope means and it’s frustrating me.
Today’s text just makes me realize how crappy my social life is. Makes me realize that I haven’t had a real relationship in over 3 years. I’ve talked to guys, hung out with guys… but that’s it. There is never any romantic involvement. I miss it. I miss feeling the carefree-ness of love. I miss the warm hearted feelings knowing that someone really loved me and enjoyed having me around. I just don’t feel that anymore.
I knew my life would change by having a child. I guess I just didn’t realize how hard it would be to have a social life by being a single mom. Guys don’t want a woman with a child. At least not the ones I’m around and I talk to….
i think i need to stop thinking so much
have you ever beat your head against a wall because you wanted your brain to stop thinking. I think that’s what I’m going to spend tomorrow doing.
I need to quit thinking.
I need to quit with this crazy feelings.
I need to stop having such an over active imagination.
It only leads to trouble.
life wouldn’t be complete without more problems
It seems like there is always something that has to go wrong. Right now it’s my computer. Windows will load up but only to the welcome screen. Then it shows there are no user profiles to load up. So I have no way of logging in. I repaired windows and it completely reinstalled it, and still nothing.
I’m pathetic. I’m close to tears because I’m not on MY computer. I don’t have photoshop on my dad’s computer. I don’t have lightroom on my dad’s computer. To make matters worse, nobody is online.
I guess that means that it’s going to be early to bed tonight. What else is there to do?
bah-hum bug.
down & out
I almost texted SOB tonight. To tell him how I hate his guts and how I continue to loathe him more and more every day he doesn’t call or acknowledge the fact that he has a son. I don’t even know that the number I have in my phone is the correct number, but it would have meant something to me if he had received it. It’s the little things that can make a person feel better.
Today wasn’t even a bad day. It just gets stressful when I have a child that is whiny and crabby and going through a major case of the terrible two. It gets even more stressful when I know the only time I will get a break of caring for him is when he goes to bed. So when my dad yells “No one asked you to have a baby” AFTER Skyler has thrown a major temper tantrum, I almost lose it. I understand how big of a mistake I have made. I realize how many people’s lives I have screwed up. I guess the fact that I am trying to fix those mistakes counts for nothing. My night ends with mom telling me that I’m a bitch. She wanted to give Skyler a goodnight kiss. She does and then she gets him riled up when I’m trying to get him ready for bed. So of course I lose it again.
I want one day to feel like I have my life on track. And how come the night I need someone the most, I have nobody.
Happy Mothers Day
Happy Mothers Day to all moms that have love and lost, to moms that get to hold their kids everyday, to the moms that unselfishly share their time with their kids, and to the moms that are hopeful that one day they will get to experience the joy that so many others have.
I’m throwing a pity party for myself. I don’t get the traditional mother’s day that I hear so many others celebrating. I don’t get the possibility of sleeping in or breakfast in bed. My day goes on like normal. It’ll be at least a year or two before I’ll even get to hear “Happy Mother’s Day”. I know this is the life that I chose, but I didn’t chose for things to end up how they did. It has now been a year and half since I last saw the sperm donor. A year and a half since he’s seen his son. I don’t know how often he thinks about Skyler, or if he even does.
The only thing I know, is that I’m going to be in tears on father’s day and I’ll be bawling my eyes out even more when Skyler finally does ask where his daddy is. I don’t want that day to EVER come.
God help me when it does.
a person can dream right?
my friend L was telling me how she and her kids bought some lottery tickets for Wednesday’s lottery. They were planning on what to do with the winnings. It made me think about what I would do if I won the lottery. It’s up to 162 million dollars. Honestly, I’d be happy with 1 million. Plenty to buy a nice 3 bedroom house, a hybrid vehicle, money to put away for Skyler’s college fund, pay off what debt I have, pay back my parents for all they have done for us, money for some new camera equipment and then put a couple thousand into my checking account and the rest into a high interest savings account. I would continue working, but I wouldn’t have to worry about whether or not my bills would get paid. I wouldn’t have to worry about how I’m going to come up with the money when my car needs a major or minor repair, or how I’m going to get the money when it completely breaks down.
I’m tired of money stresses. I’m tired of wondering when my truck is going to break down, which I hope is not soon. I’m tired of working for what feels like nothing when there are no decent paying jobs to be found.
I know I should be grateful for what I have, and I promise I am grateful. It’s just so easy to get frustrated with little problems when they add up so quickly. Sometimes I just wish things were a little less stressful.
motherhood getting you down?
My mom asked me that tonight, and the question caught me by surprise.
Motherhood isn’t getting me down, necessarily, but more so how Skyler’s daddy comes in to play. Or how he doesn’t… It’s something that has been literally haunting my every thought for the past couple days. When it used to be something I thought about a couplet time a month. I keep wondering why I thought that things would work out between. Why I really expected him to change and keep his promises when I was so used to all the lies.
I see babies and toddlers with their daddies and my heart keeps ripping open. I read about studies proving that children brought up in two parent homes are better off than children in single parent homes. I keep feeling like one little mistake has not ruined my life but ruined someone’s life who had nothing to do with it. What did Skyler do to deserve a missing father. What am I going to tell him when he asks me why his daddy isn’t around when all the kids have dads. Why do stop breathing everytime he says “daddy” only to barely be able to answer “yes baby?”.
So yes, motherhood is getting me down, but so is fatherhood.
rants and raves
RANT:
I’m feeling a bit snippy right now. I’m tired of managers who play favorites and are only nice to those that kiss ass. I’m tired of people who only talk to you if they feel like it and who act “holier than though”. You aren’t the fucking king of the world, you aren’t this amazing, incredible person who knows everything. You are normal. Quit acting so high and mighty. Get off your fucking high horse. I’m tired of guys who break my heart. Whether we dated or just were friends.
To those who have hurt me. To those that have pissed me off. To those that brought tears to my eyes and a stabbing pain to my heart. I say this;
FUCK.YOU.
i feel better now :)
RAVE:
2 more days of work!!! I can’t wait until Friday. I can’t wait to meet 8 fabulous women! I can’t wait to meet 8 fabulous toddlers {and two little buns in the oven}. I can’t wait to have the best three days. I’m soo excited about this weekend!
and of course, what would a post be without some pictures :)
.flickr-photo { border: solid 2px #000000; }.flickr-frame { text-align: left; padding: 3px; }.flickr-caption { font-size: 0.8em; margin-top: 0px; }
blooming tulips, originally uploaded by Me (?).
.flickr-photo { border: solid 2px #000000; }.flickr-frame { text-align: left; padding: 3px; }.flickr-caption { font-size: 0.8em; margin-top: 0px; }
.flickr-photo { border: solid 2px #000000; }.flickr-frame { text-align: left; padding: 3px; }.flickr-caption { font-size: 0.8em; margin-top: 0px; }
bokeh and a twinge of sunflare, originally uploaded by Me (?).
karma enjoys playing games with people and giving them a swift kick in the ass.
I think karma is rolling on the floor laughing at me right now.
B, my sister-in-law, came over for birthday dinner and birthday cake. My mom had created a kick ass skull cake for her. I wanted to get pictures of it naturally. My camera was sitting on the kitchen table, 50mm lens being used. That lens is my baby. <3 Skyler wanted to see the cake and the candles. I lifted him up onto the bench, my arm hits the camera and it falls to the bench. It landed right side up, but still the front part of the lens popped out. ffffuu…. So now I am 50mm less until I get my amazon purchase on Wednesday. Even better as luck would have it, tomorrow night I’m going to see A’s band play. I guess I can’t take my 50mm lens and use it.
I think I pissed off somebody in my past life really badly for that to happen.
mon cheri
He calls me Mon Cheri, and I think he saved me from walking out of work today.
They (the executives) asked me to help out the price change team with the simple job of putting clearance sticker on 3 flats of items in the backroom. They said if me and another did the job, it wouldn’t take us more than 3 hours. They also knew that today was the day for me to do the schedule. The schedule itself takes about 10ish hours to complete. I’m only at work for 8 hours a day, so it usually ends up taking a day and a half. The deadline is noon on Thursdays. Thursdays, I’m usually equally swamped with work. They know this. Yet, they still asked for my help.
I worked on the schedule from 8am to 1130am when I went to lunch. 12pm to 230pm was spent ticketing countless boxes of tissues and other miscellaneous items. 230, I’m all set to get back to work when I get handed several more tasks. Again, they KNOW Wednesdays are schedule day. They KNOW how long it takes me to complete schedules for nearly 200 employees, especially when we are crazy short handed and we have to do a lot of switching around.
One task involved, I was told to ask a particular team member for help with, or simply put, was asked to see if she could do it. She told me that she couldn’t, she just had too much today. I nearly lost it. I spouted off how I wasn’t even close to be completed with my major task for the day, was it really too much to ask for some simple help when I had been helping others half the day. She muttered something and I replied with a “Whatever. I’ll do it myself. Next time I’ll remember to not bother to ask for help.”
I felt this equal stress all day. I had hid out in my ETL’s office to avoid people so I could work in peace. They still managed to find me and lay out problems on me that should have been up to the ETL’s to decide on. Work related problems. I have no say in the matter, I wasn’t in the mood to hear it. Lucky for me, he was there. We texted on and off the entire day and he kept me from going insane. He replaced my frown with a smile and kept my spirits up, even if for just a short period of time. He knows just what to say to turn on me, to make me happy, to make me laugh. He reads my mind and really seems to understand what I’m saying and thinking.
The fact that he does this scares me. I hate the possible relationship stage. I feel so vulnerable, so open to getting hurt. Normally, I want to shut myself off from guys, keep them away from thinking I like them, knowing its always a one-sided feeling. This time, I can’t help but open myself up and I’m just hoping that I’m not going to get a broken heart in the end.