Stress dreams
Feb 26, 2010 The Mom, rambling, the boy, the sperm donor
The past week has been my worst week of sleep. Waking up several times a night, having overly realistic dreams on top of that. And then when I do sleep for more than an hour at a time, I have such a realistic and horrific dream that I can’t even be sure my brain was relaxed enough to benefit from the sleep.
And for the first time since I can remember, I had a dream about Skyler’s father. He showed up out if nowhere. He talked to me like we had just met. He barely acknowledged Skyler and of course Skyler took no notice to him. But what really hurt the most was how I remember thinking how Skyler deserved to know that the man was his father, but I just couldn’t tell him. Until he left the room. That was when I told Skyler who that man was. A simple “Skyler, did you know that us your daddy?” and then I woke up, feeling empty, let down, broken-hearted and most of confused. I know how hurt I am that he left us. I hate him for what he did, but I also imagine him coming back and then wanting to welcome him with as open arms as I can muster. And now I feel that my dream is telling me that I won’t be able to let him back into our lives. That I will go as far to protect Skyler from the man who has hurt both of us, by lying and avoiding telling him who his father his. To protect him from the man who has killed my dream of having the family I want. But is it really my ex’s fault that I am broken and holding a grudge that I feel is preventing me from happiness. Or is it mine? And will time heal these wounds or do I have to find the strength to put the past behind me. Embrace the future that scares me….
Snow Day!
Jan 10, 2010 Uncategorized, photography, the boy
For a week they were reporting a big snow blizzard to hit Tennessee. First it started as 2-4 inches. Then 4-6 inches. I think eventually it got along the lines of people swearing it was going to be huge. The biggest snow storm since 2003! For the record, there are parts of Tennessee that got 3/4 of an inch of snow in 2009. Most likely the same amount the past few years. It doesn’t snow. And when it might flurry, it barely sticks. And whatever does stick, sticks to the road where it melts and then freezes overnight. We get ice. Damn ice…
Anyways, so we actually got about an inch of snow this past Thursday. They were warning everyone that it was going to start around midnight Thursday morning. It started snowing 10am where I live. They had started calling off school Wednesday night and I found out that the kiddos daycare was closed Thursday morning. So he stayed home with Grandpa. And when I got home from work, he went to play in the snow.
And he loved playing in the barely an inch of snow. It wasn’t the right kind of snow to make snowballs with. So instead he just picked up handfuls and flung them at me.
But he did have fun. Until he was completely covered from head to toe in snow, frozen and exhausted. At that time I announced that it was time for hot chocolate and a snack.
Yeah…. he was ready to go inside. But being cold, frozen and tired didn’t stop him from talking about how he played in the snow. Now if we could just get one big snowstorm so he can REALLY play in the snow and build a snowman and throw snowballs. The puny one inch of snow that we got that day would be just a thing of the past.
my Sky-dino
Oct 27, 2009 photography, the boy
Skyler and I have had a lot of discussions about his Halloween costumes. First he wanted to be spiderman, then a pumpkin, then a dragon. For a good two weeks he wanted to be a dragon. I searched the stores for either clothes I could turn into a dragon costume or for a ready-made dragon costume so I could go the easy route. Nothing. Nada. Why don’t stores sell dragon halloween costumes?
So I broke the news and he decided again that he had to be spiderman. I searched the stores and found multiple spiderman costumes. Ranging from $10 to $40. No fucking way am I spending $40 on a halloween costume. Better yet, none of them were his size. Luckily, we found a super cute dinosaur costume. It was love at first sight.
He’s happy, I’m happy.
And if you are wondering, he’s wearing his rainboots. Because he never takes them off. ever. Unless he’s has to go to daycare. Then it’s all about his spiderman tie shoes ;)
ditto on the burn out…
Oct 2, 2009 The Mom, knitting, rambling, ranting, the boy
I am near collapsing from exhaustion currently, but excitement over being 99.99% done with a knitting project has me up and awake for at least another 30 minutes…
This week has not been fun….
I had intended on taking Tuesday as a half day. Spend the morning at work getting what I needed done and spending the rest of the day relaxing at the library, reading and knitting. Instead, I went to bed Monday night with my stomach tossing and turning (and not in a good way) only to wake up a couple hours later throwing up. And I continued to be sick with the dreadful stomach bug for the following 12 hours. I knew I wouldn’t be able to take care of the Sky-guy, so he went to daycare and I went back to bed. Only to wake up 7 hours later (after waking up to run to the bathroom and then back to sleep several times) to pick him up from daycare. The rest of the night was spent on the couch while he lazied it up watching tv. I didn’t feel a tad guilty because I needed my rest. Gma was incredibly gracious to get him fed and then after dinner he was back on the couch with me. Once 8pm hit, we dragged (drug?) ourselves upstairs, brushed the teeth, washed up and went straight to sleep.
The next morning I was fine and dandy except for the remaining exhaustion and feeling like I had been run-over by an 18 wheeler the previous day.
Work sucked the whole rest of the week. I would rather have spent the past three days being whipped and beaten by slave drivers then at the Targhetto. Playing catch-up with MY work while being expected to help the rest of the store play catch-up is not good for the soul or the mood.
But this week is almost behind me. Tomorrow (or today I guess…) is another day. Sky-guy and I will spend the morning at the library, then to the Targhetto to present my client/friend with her scarf order and then home to rest, clean, play and just enjoy the rest of the day and the weekend.
Hopefully next week will be better…
rain, rain, come back again.
Sep 23, 2009 Itty Bitty Knits, knitting, rambling, the boy
It has been raining a butt load this past week and a half. Seriously. I’ve built my ark and the flood was too much for it. Skyler has been singing “Rain rain go away” for the past week and a half. He’s been singing it so much that he’s adding in his own lines just to keep it from getting boring. And then today it hit me, take Skyler outside when it’s raining. Grab my camera, an umbrella and let the kid go to town. Fantabulous photo shoot just as long as I keep my camera protected and the rain doesn’t come down in sheets.
So I leave work today with the perfect rain storm coming down. I drive 5 minutes down the road and the rain lets up. The roads are perfectly dry and I swear I heard birds singing and flitting around. WTF?? I drive another couple of minutes and it’s raining. I say a little thank you to the rain gods and go back to imagining all the fabulous photos I’m going to get. I get to his daycare and the birds are back out. I get home and I know there is no chance we’ll get rain.
Bummer…. Where is the rain when I want it???
and just for kicks & giggles… This is the look I get when he is done with having his photo taken. I guess he doesn’t like his very own mamarazzi following him around everywhere!
On an up-note, the longies are 2 hours away from being finished. And I’m 1 hour away from collapsing from exhaustion. I’m so excited to have them finished because they are the most fabulous thing in the world. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to let them go!
birthday and socks
Aug 27, 2009 birthday/holiday celebrations, knitting, photography, the boy
I’m not purposely trying to kill my blog. I’ve been busy and every time I start to blog, I get side tracked. It’s frustrating really.
Tuesday was Skyler’s birthday and we both really enjoyed the day we spent together. The morning at the doctors (40lbs and 41″ tall!!), shopping and then out to lunch. The rest of the day was filled with playing with toys and lounging around watching his new Backyardigans and Wonderpets movies.
I love days like that.
I have have knit my first pair of socks! Unfortunately they were knit with Malabrigo yarn so they pick up every single bit of dirt or litter on the floor, slide off his feet so easily and they don’t hold their shape well at all. But they look great and that’s what is important.
I can’t wait to knit his next pair of socks :)
I love….
Aug 10, 2009 knitting, love, photography, the boy
I love….
the shining smile on Skyler’s face when I ask him “pretty please with a cherry on top, Will you sit right there and let me take a picture??”
how he finds so much joy in playing with anything. No matter how big, how small, whether it’s even a toy at all…
how he has so much imagination and how much his personality has grown….
I can’t believe that he’s going to be 3 soon. 15 days and he’s not my 2 year old.
and completely unrelated to Skyler, do you know what else I love??
Soft, squishy, pretty, oh soooo yummy and beautiful Malabrigo.
mommy… may I have some more crack yarn??
Jun 30, 2009 The Mom, rambling, ranting, the boy, the sperm donor
I have to admit; I hear of my friends being pregnant. I see people everyday who are pregnant. I work with pregnant people. It’s frustrating and annoying because sometimes I really miss that pregnant feeling. Sometimes I wish that was me.
Then I come flying back to reality and I’m thankful that it’s not. Because lets face it, my life is screwed up right now. It would be the best idea not to add another one to the mix. But there is that nagging feeling back in my head that I should have made one minuscule decision. And everything would be different. One fucking decision and I could feel like my life is going somewhere and not fucking dragging along the ground while I stumble around blindly to pick it up.
I’m tired, unhappy, exhausted and just feeling down. I’m tired of these terrible twos that have lasted since before he was 1. I’m tired of his too short of a temper and the fact that he never wants to go to sleep. I’m tired of the crankiness and tired of feeling like I just never get the break that I so crave. If I can have one single week of no tears, no temper tantrums and no sultry attitude, I would be in great shape. And then of course I ponder that decision I almost made but turned my back on when I imagined how things were going to be. When the promises were made to me and I pushed aside the thought that kept telling me that they were going to end up being broken promises.
Now that voice is telling me how badly I screwed up…..
And now that I’ve opened up my heart in the place I’ve tried to keep it under control, I’m going to go drink my sorrows away. Rum & Coke is good for that.
Jun 28, 2009 forget-me-nots, the boy
I’m trying to figure out when I told Skyler he could grow up. Who really wants their baby, their small toddler… to grow out of that phase. And how long does it take us to realize that our baby is no longer a baby.
It hit me today. Hit me hard that my baby is no longer a baby. Hell, he’s no longer a small toddler anymore. He’s holding conversation, recognizing true human emotion, pushing his independence and has caught on to the fact that he is wrapped around my little finger.
How else would he know that when he wants to go to the movie store, all he has to do is look at me with his big blue eyes and ask ever so politely “Can we go to the movie store? Pretty please with a cherry on top???” with his little hands put together in a begging sort of manner. And when I tell him before bed that I am going downstairs to get him some water, all he has to do is ask even more politely “I go down-a-stairs with you? Can I?”.
Holy crap, the cuteness is overwhelming!
Then there are the times that he knows he did something wrong and he looks at me with those irresistible blue eyes and tells me in the sweetest voice imaginable “I’m sorry mommy” and follows it with a hug. He’s learning to follow directions and do as I ask, even if he doesn’t want to.
He’s not perfect. He throws an insane amount of temper tantrums. He knows how to push my buttons. He knows how easy it is to set me off and for some odd reason he enjoys this. He has quite the temper and attitude himself, but then I remember that he’s a toddler. Not a small toddler, but a bigger toddler, not quite a child. A toddler who instinctively knows that he has to test his limits to learn.
Pretty soon he’s going to be a child, and after that he certainly won’t be my baby anymore.
That thought certainly has me in tears….
<3
Jun 14, 2009 photography, the boy
This is Skyler.
This is his sweet face.
This is his “just take the damn picture and then leave me alone so I can play” face.
And the least favorite, but most used… The whiny face.
This is my little boy. The sweet expression is my most favorite face, he just wouldn’t be himself without the other two. And when I get really stressed and really frazzled, I need to remember that. When he is at his whiniest, he will always have the sweet moment to follow it.
