Psychotically Sane

Archive for the ‘The Mom’ Category

Tonight I learned….

…. I make stupid mistakes in math. I have got to slow down when I do my homework and when I do the tests.
… Skyler doesn’t like it when I do my school work and can’t play with him.
… I’m slowly finding my groove and feeling more in control of studying for school.
… the medical field really holds my interest.
… I don’t admire anyone famous. Even though my first paper for English is on just that.
… I stress less while studying when I knit.
… I won’t have to be up until midnight or later studying for school. I was done tonight at 10:30.
…maybe I really can do this. Just as long as I keep up the can do attitude. I can totally do this.

And over the next few weeks my faithful blog readers will learn that my posts will include less and less photos than ever. The iTouch is awesome for blogging on. Not so much for including photos. But maybe I can spare some time for photography, the post processing involved and then finally pulling out a blog post with photos. <3

School started. 2 days in and I am already getting flustered. Full time employee, full time single parent and now I am adding full time student to my plate. And I keep telling myself that it’s all too much. I don’t have time. I don’t have time. I don’t have fucking time. And yet, I’m not listening to the rational part of my self conscious that is screaming at the irrational part. I’m telling myself I can do this. But when I go to bed at midnight, only to wake up at 6am to get myself and Skyler ready for a full day of work & preschool, and I haven’t finished all the school work I wanted to finish today, I feel pretty damn shitty.

I know it just started. I know that i have to get into a routine. But what happens when I fall behind only 1 week in?
Or am I stupid for worrying about that. Am I over reacting when I think that I will have to study 7 days a week just to keep up? Am I over reacting when I get aggravated by the fact that I have to take off work to go on campus to take biweekly tests for one class and 1 test a month for another? This is online classes. Whatever happened to it being scheduled on my time, around my schedule?!?!

Maybe my negativity is all due to my sleep depravation. I refuse to think I am over stressed already. But I know it’s coming. And it scares me. The unknown scares me. The future scares me because I don’t know what is in store. I just wish I had one idea of where my life is going. But I don’t.

And on that random note I end this post. Because I am tired. And my alarm will be going off in 5hrs and 10 minutes. From then I will push the snooze button for at least 30 minutes wishing i could sleep for at least another 2-3 hours.

There is just not enough time in the day….

Finally, after about a million fucking years, I’m going back to school. I’m kicking myself for doing it so late in the game. I’m kicking myself for taking so many years off. And I’m kicking myself because while every application I have to turn in, every piece of vital information they need from me is turned in, I might not get the financial aid I need to be able to cover the costs of school. Because, in my normal procrastination ways, I waited to send in for my transcripts. And they took a lot longer than what I expected. I filled out the FAFSA & the admission application about a month & a half ago. But I procrastinated on getting the transcripts to them. Because they don’t do anything with the financial aid applications until they have transcripts. So now I have 1 week to pay for the classes I’m taking. 1 week of praying & hoping that I get awarded SOMETHING. 1 week of trying to figure out if that’s enough time to get a student loan.

-sigh-

And if I don’t get the money by August 12th, I’m going to have to drop the classes and try again Spring Semester. And maybe then I can make sure I have everything turned in on time and get registered for classes before they are full. (I managed to get 4 out of the 5/6 I intended on taking).

And for my August Break…. even though I posted a mouthful…

The past week has been my worst week of sleep. Waking up several times a night, having overly realistic dreams on top of that. And then when I do sleep for more than an hour at a time, I have such a realistic and horrific dream that I can’t even be sure my brain was relaxed enough to benefit from the sleep.

And for the first time since I can remember, I had a dream about Skyler’s father. He showed up out if nowhere. He talked to me like we had just met. He barely acknowledged Skyler and of course Skyler took no notice to him. But what really hurt the most was how I remember thinking how Skyler deserved to know that the man was his father, but I just couldn’t tell him. Until he left the room. That was when I told Skyler who that man was. A simple “Skyler, did you know that us your daddy?” and then I woke up, feeling empty, let down, broken-hearted and most of confused. I know how hurt I am that he left us. I hate him for what he did, but I also imagine him coming back and then wanting to welcome him with as open arms as I can muster. And now I feel that my dream is telling me that I won’t be able to let him back into our lives. That I will go as far to protect Skyler from the man who has hurt both of us, by lying and avoiding telling him who his father his. To protect him from the man who has killed my dream of having the family I want. But is it really my ex’s fault that I am broken and holding a grudge that I feel is preventing me from happiness. Or is it mine? And will time heal these wounds or do I have to find the strength to put the past behind me. Embrace the future that scares me….

I am near collapsing from exhaustion currently, but excitement over being 99.99% done with a knitting project has me up and awake for at least another 30 minutes…

This week has not been fun….

I had intended on taking Tuesday as a half day. Spend the morning at work getting what I needed done and spending the rest of the day relaxing at the library, reading and knitting. Instead, I went to bed Monday night with my stomach tossing and turning (and not in a good way) only to wake up a couple hours later throwing up. And I continued to be sick with the dreadful stomach bug for the following 12 hours. I knew I wouldn’t be able to take care of the Sky-guy, so he went to daycare and I went back to bed. Only to wake up 7 hours later (after waking up to run to the bathroom and then back to sleep several times) to pick him up from daycare. The rest of the night was spent on the couch while he lazied it up watching tv. I didn’t feel a tad guilty because I needed my rest. Gma was incredibly gracious to get him fed and then after dinner he was back on the couch with me. Once 8pm hit, we dragged (drug?) ourselves upstairs, brushed the teeth, washed up and went straight to sleep.

The next morning I was fine and dandy except for the remaining exhaustion and feeling like I had been run-over by an 18 wheeler the previous day.

Work sucked the whole rest of the week. I would rather have spent the past three days being whipped and beaten by slave drivers then at the Targhetto. Playing catch-up with MY work while being expected to help the rest of the store play catch-up is not good for the soul or the mood.

But this week is almost behind me. Tomorrow (or today I guess…) is another day. Sky-guy and I will spend the morning at the library, then to the Targhetto to present my client/friend with her scarf order and then home to rest, clean, play and just enjoy the rest of the day and the weekend.

Hopefully next week will be better…

I was dreading working tonight. Or I guess last night. I was dreading working overnight for inventory. Poor planning, poor prepping, poor organization, everything going on was telling me that it was going to be a nightmare.
Luckily, the night turned out to be nothing like I was fearing. Several of my friends (ok, I get along amazingly well with the whole crew that worked) worked so we were able to joke around and have fun while we audited the aisles and answered sku check questions. And I wonder if I can even consider what were doing to be work??
Breaks and lunches was non-stop laughter with it continuing out on the floor. It made me happy to realize what great friends I have. It made me sad to realize how empty and lonely I would feel when I got home….

I have to admit; I hear of my friends being pregnant. I see people everyday who are pregnant. I work with pregnant people. It’s frustrating and annoying because sometimes I really miss that pregnant feeling. Sometimes I wish that was me.

Then I come flying back to reality and I’m thankful that it’s not. Because lets face it, my life is screwed up right now. It would be the best idea not to add another one to the mix. But there is that nagging feeling back in my head that I should have made one minuscule decision. And everything would be different. One fucking decision and I could feel like my life is going somewhere and not fucking dragging along the ground while I stumble around blindly to pick it up.

I’m tired, unhappy, exhausted and just feeling down. I’m tired of these terrible twos that have lasted since before he was 1. I’m tired of his too short of a temper and the fact that he never wants to go to sleep. I’m tired of the crankiness and tired of feeling like I just never get the break that I so crave. If I can have one single week of no tears, no temper tantrums and no sultry attitude, I would be in great shape. And then of course I ponder that decision I almost made but turned my back on when I imagined how things were going to be. When the promises were made to me and I pushed aside the thought that kept telling me that they were going to end up being broken promises.

Now that voice is telling me how badly I screwed up…..

And now that I’ve opened up my heart in the place I’ve tried to keep it under control, I’m going to go drink my sorrows away. Rum & Coke is good for that.

• submit FAFSA application DONE!
• submit college application DONE!
• get shot records signed off for application
• get high school transcripts DONE!

I’m getting nervy. Especially about the thought of going back to school. I’m reliving random memories of my high school life and remembering how much I hated it. I’m remembering how much trouble I had in school and I’m really starting to doubt myself on whether or not I can handle this college thing. The fact that Targhetto and everyone else in this fucking world ONLY talks about how it’s almost back to school time. The fact that k-12 schools go back August 14th and the fact that some colleges start August 25th is freaking me out even more. The deadline for Nashville State Community College is August 28th and I don’t know when the classes officially start, but that doesn’t make a difference. I am so fucking scared shitless. I don’t want to fail at this, I don’t even want to struggle and I know that being out of school for 7 years is going to make a huge difference than if I was going to college immediatly after graduating high school. The only thing that keeps me going for this is the knowing that I HAVE to go back to school. Every sign, every thought, every realization has told me that I have no choice.

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Tonight was spent with a barbeque with friends. I rejoiced at having the night off from being a mom, yet I missed Skyler so much. It was nice not to have to feed him dinner while I was eating. It was nice to be able to stand around talking and gossiping with friends without having to keep an eye on him. It was nice to play a couple games of Wii bowling without having to wonder what he was getting into.

Let’s face it… I enjoyed the night off and I’m starting to think that I need to go out with friends at least once a month….

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Nothing much else new. Still doing uber amounts of knitting. Or trying too. Skyler and I went to the library today and I found a fun knitting books, among other books I actually got to pick out. So as soon as I get some pictures processed and up on flickr, I’m heading to bed to knit while reading a knitting fiction book. Yes, laugh at my loser self, I’m a lameoid and I’m embracing it.

Or I’m heading straight to bed and passing out. The rum is taking over my brain and telling me I need to sleep.

• submit FAFSA application DONE!
• submit college application
• get shot records signed off for application
• get high school transcripts

I am determined to start my college education come Fall ’09. While I’m pushing for online only classes, I’m also throwing around the idea of some campus classes. As a way to get away and get the “real” college experience. Then I think about working 40 hours a week, taking care of Skyler and still trying to get some time to myself and I wonder if I can handle all of this. Fuck. I guess I just have to do this and deal with it.

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I’m also pushing myself on really losing weight and getting in shape. I’m taking the afternoons while Skyler plays outside to swim. And swim laps, not just lounging. I bought a jump rope to get in some aerobics and I keep telling myself that the weekend mornings are going to be spent taking an early morning walk. When it’s nice and brisk outside and hell, Skyler wakes up at 6am anyways, and do I really want to spend the morning with both of us laying on the couch watching morning cartoons?

I am trying to eat healthier too. Portion control, cut out the junkie snacks, drink water not soda, eat more fruit and veggies, blah blah blah blah…. Sometimes I think that I’m pushing myself and overwhelming myself, but that’s how I have to do it. If I don’t start the portion control now but I start eating healthy and cutting out the junk, I’ll never do the portion control. If I start portion control but don’t eat healthy, I’ll never control the cravings for junk.

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I guess that’s all the updates. I am off to bed to do some knitting, because honestly, who needs sleep when there is knitting to be done.

I’ve got so much racing in my head right now, just ready to burst out. I’m trying to make sense enough to blog, but that really has never been possible.

Work has been nothing but stress, insanity and realizing that one of the only things keeping me at the job (besides knowing I have a job that I’m not in danger of losing) are the people there. We have had an executive training for HR (for another store) there for the past two weeks. I’ve gotten more from him than I have gotten out of my store’s HR in the past almost 3 years. He has taught me more than I ever imagined. And he’s made me do a lot of thinking the past week. Then we have the hunka-hunka intern. After finding out he’s married and with child, it’s been decided that he is good eye candy and great conversationalist. Besides them, it’s been having fun with my friends at work who are just as stressed as I am, but trying to get by each day putting up with the place.

I’ve been neglecting my photography but putting more time into my knitting. I have one more bootie that needs to be finished, then it will be mailed off to a friend along with a stocking cap made to match. I have a grumpasaurus to knit up for a client, possibly knitting a hat for an old work friend (who is willing to pay me for it and purchase the yarn) and then it’s continuing to work on the presents for the karma post. Busy busy busy.

Today I managed to get in a good hour and a half of swimming that has made my whole body hurt. But it felt good. Tomorrow morning I am going to push myself to take Skyler for a walk in the stroller. Just me, him, a refreshing bottle of ice water and the fresh air clearing my head.

And I guess the biggest news of all, I’m making plans to register for college in the fall. I wish I had pushed myself years ago, but I didn’t. So I am doing it now. Hopefully online courses and hopefully I’ll be able to push myself to have the dedication to succeed.