Stress dreams
Feb 26, 2010 The Mom, rambling, the boy, the sperm donor
The past week has been my worst week of sleep. Waking up several times a night, having overly realistic dreams on top of that. And then when I do sleep for more than an hour at a time, I have such a realistic and horrific dream that I can’t even be sure my brain was relaxed enough to benefit from the sleep.
And for the first time since I can remember, I had a dream about Skyler’s father. He showed up out if nowhere. He talked to me like we had just met. He barely acknowledged Skyler and of course Skyler took no notice to him. But what really hurt the most was how I remember thinking how Skyler deserved to know that the man was his father, but I just couldn’t tell him. Until he left the room. That was when I told Skyler who that man was. A simple “Skyler, did you know that us your daddy?” and then I woke up, feeling empty, let down, broken-hearted and most of confused. I know how hurt I am that he left us. I hate him for what he did, but I also imagine him coming back and then wanting to welcome him with as open arms as I can muster. And now I feel that my dream is telling me that I won’t be able to let him back into our lives. That I will go as far to protect Skyler from the man who has hurt both of us, by lying and avoiding telling him who his father his. To protect him from the man who has killed my dream of having the family I want. But is it really my ex’s fault that I am broken and holding a grudge that I feel is preventing me from happiness. Or is it mine? And will time heal these wounds or do I have to find the strength to put the past behind me. Embrace the future that scares me….
ditto on the burn out…
Oct 2, 2009 The Mom, knitting, rambling, ranting, the boy
I am near collapsing from exhaustion currently, but excitement over being 99.99% done with a knitting project has me up and awake for at least another 30 minutes…
This week has not been fun….
I had intended on taking Tuesday as a half day. Spend the morning at work getting what I needed done and spending the rest of the day relaxing at the library, reading and knitting. Instead, I went to bed Monday night with my stomach tossing and turning (and not in a good way) only to wake up a couple hours later throwing up. And I continued to be sick with the dreadful stomach bug for the following 12 hours. I knew I wouldn’t be able to take care of the Sky-guy, so he went to daycare and I went back to bed. Only to wake up 7 hours later (after waking up to run to the bathroom and then back to sleep several times) to pick him up from daycare. The rest of the night was spent on the couch while he lazied it up watching tv. I didn’t feel a tad guilty because I needed my rest. Gma was incredibly gracious to get him fed and then after dinner he was back on the couch with me. Once 8pm hit, we dragged (drug?) ourselves upstairs, brushed the teeth, washed up and went straight to sleep.
The next morning I was fine and dandy except for the remaining exhaustion and feeling like I had been run-over by an 18 wheeler the previous day.
Work sucked the whole rest of the week. I would rather have spent the past three days being whipped and beaten by slave drivers then at the Targhetto. Playing catch-up with MY work while being expected to help the rest of the store play catch-up is not good for the soul or the mood.
But this week is almost behind me. Tomorrow (or today I guess…) is another day. Sky-guy and I will spend the morning at the library, then to the Targhetto to present my client/friend with her scarf order and then home to rest, clean, play and just enjoy the rest of the day and the weekend.
Hopefully next week will be better…
sometimes the little things take your world by surprise
Jul 14, 2009 The Mom, rambling
I was dreading working tonight. Or I guess last night. I was dreading working overnight for inventory. Poor planning, poor prepping, poor organization, everything going on was telling me that it was going to be a nightmare.
Luckily, the night turned out to be nothing like I was fearing. Several of my friends (ok, I get along amazingly well with the whole crew that worked) worked so we were able to joke around and have fun while we audited the aisles and answered sku check questions. And I wonder if I can even consider what were doing to be work??
Breaks and lunches was non-stop laughter with it continuing out on the floor. It made me happy to realize what great friends I have. It made me sad to realize how empty and lonely I would feel when I got home….
Jun 30, 2009 The Mom, rambling, ranting, the boy, the sperm donor
I have to admit; I hear of my friends being pregnant. I see people everyday who are pregnant. I work with pregnant people. It’s frustrating and annoying because sometimes I really miss that pregnant feeling. Sometimes I wish that was me.
Then I come flying back to reality and I’m thankful that it’s not. Because lets face it, my life is screwed up right now. It would be the best idea not to add another one to the mix. But there is that nagging feeling back in my head that I should have made one minuscule decision. And everything would be different. One fucking decision and I could feel like my life is going somewhere and not fucking dragging along the ground while I stumble around blindly to pick it up.
I’m tired, unhappy, exhausted and just feeling down. I’m tired of these terrible twos that have lasted since before he was 1. I’m tired of his too short of a temper and the fact that he never wants to go to sleep. I’m tired of the crankiness and tired of feeling like I just never get the break that I so crave. If I can have one single week of no tears, no temper tantrums and no sultry attitude, I would be in great shape. And then of course I ponder that decision I almost made but turned my back on when I imagined how things were going to be. When the promises were made to me and I pushed aside the thought that kept telling me that they were going to end up being broken promises.
Now that voice is telling me how badly I screwed up…..
And now that I’ve opened up my heart in the place I’ve tried to keep it under control, I’m going to go drink my sorrows away. Rum & Coke is good for that.
Jun 27, 2009 The Mom, rambling
- submit FAFSA application DONE!
- submit college application DONE!
- get shot records signed off for application
- get high school transcripts DONE!
I’m getting nervy. Especially about the thought of going back to school. I’m reliving random memories of my high school life and remembering how much I hated it. I’m remembering how much trouble I had in school and I’m really starting to doubt myself on whether or not I can handle this college thing. The fact that Targhetto and everyone else in this fucking world ONLY talks about how it’s almost back to school time. The fact that k-12 schools go back August 14th and the fact that some colleges start August 25th is freaking me out even more. The deadline for Nashville State Community College is August 28th and I don’t know when the classes officially start, but that doesn’t make a difference. I am so fucking scared shitless. I don’t want to fail at this, I don’t even want to struggle and I know that being out of school for 7 years is going to make a huge difference than if I was going to college immediatly after graduating high school. The only thing that keeps me going for this is the knowing that I HAVE to go back to school. Every sign, every thought, every realization has told me that I have no choice.
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Tonight was spent with a barbeque with friends. I rejoiced at having the night off from being a mom, yet I missed Skyler so much. It was nice not to have to feed him dinner while I was eating. It was nice to be able to stand around talking and gossiping with friends without having to keep an eye on him. It was nice to play a couple games of Wii bowling without having to wonder what he was getting into.
Let’s face it… I enjoyed the night off and I’m starting to think that I need to go out with friends at least once a month….
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Nothing much else new. Still doing uber amounts of knitting. Or trying too. Skyler and I went to the library today and I found a fun knitting books, among other books I actually got to pick out. So as soon as I get some pictures processed and up on flickr, I’m heading to bed to knit while reading a knitting fiction book. Yes, laugh at my loser self, I’m a lameoid and I’m embracing it.
Or I’m heading straight to bed and passing out. The rum is taking over my brain and telling me I need to sleep.
this is it.
Jun 23, 2009 The Mom, rambling
- submit FAFSA application DONE!
- submit college application
- get shot records signed off for application
- get high school transcripts
I am determined to start my college education come Fall ‘09. While I’m pushing for online only classes, I’m also throwing around the idea of some campus classes. As a way to get away and get the “real” college experience. Then I think about working 40 hours a week, taking care of Skyler and still trying to get some time to myself and I wonder if I can handle all of this. Fuck. I guess I just have to do this and deal with it.
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I’m also pushing myself on really losing weight and getting in shape. I’m taking the afternoons while Skyler plays outside to swim. And swim laps, not just lounging. I bought a jump rope to get in some aerobics and I keep telling myself that the weekend mornings are going to be spent taking an early morning walk. When it’s nice and brisk outside and hell, Skyler wakes up at 6am anyways, and do I really want to spend the morning with both of us laying on the couch watching morning cartoons?
I am trying to eat healthier too. Portion control, cut out the junkie snacks, drink water not soda, eat more fruit and veggies, blah blah blah blah…. Sometimes I think that I’m pushing myself and overwhelming myself, but that’s how I have to do it. If I don’t start the portion control now but I start eating healthy and cutting out the junk, I’ll never do the portion control. If I start portion control but don’t eat healthy, I’ll never control the cravings for junk.
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I guess that’s all the updates. I am off to bed to do some knitting, because honestly, who needs sleep when there is knitting to be done.
something to talk about
Jun 19, 2009 The Mom, rambling
I’ve got so much racing in my head right now, just ready to burst out. I’m trying to make sense enough to blog, but that really has never been possible.
Work has been nothing but stress, insanity and realizing that one of the only things keeping me at the job (besides knowing I have a job that I’m not in danger of losing) are the people there. We have had an executive training for HR (for another store) there for the past two weeks. I’ve gotten more from him than I have gotten out of my store’s HR in the past almost 3 years. He has taught me more than I ever imagined. And he’s made me do a lot of thinking the past week. Then we have the hunka-hunka intern. After finding out he’s married and with child, it’s been decided that he is good eye candy and great conversationalist. Besides them, it’s been having fun with my friends at work who are just as stressed as I am, but trying to get by each day putting up with the place.
I’ve been neglecting my photography but putting more time into my knitting. I have one more bootie that needs to be finished, then it will be mailed off to a friend along with a stocking cap made to match. I have a grumpasaurus to knit up for a client, possibly knitting a hat for an old work friend (who is willing to pay me for it and purchase the yarn) and then it’s continuing to work on the presents for the karma post. Busy busy busy.
Today I managed to get in a good hour and a half of swimming that has made my whole body hurt. But it felt good. Tomorrow morning I am going to push myself to take Skyler for a walk in the stroller. Just me, him, a refreshing bottle of ice water and the fresh air clearing my head.
And I guess the biggest news of all, I’m making plans to register for college in the fall. I wish I had pushed myself years ago, but I didn’t. So I am doing it now. Hopefully online courses and hopefully I’ll be able to push myself to have the dedication to succeed.
just feeling a little crafty
Apr 26, 2009 The Mom, knitting, photography, rambling
I went a month with having a power cord for my laptop that worked only half the time. Then it completely died and I went a week with having to borrow my dad’s power cord. I finally got a new one in the mail and now I LOVE not having to worry about my laptop battery dying. It’s so nice. That also explains my lapse in blogging. That is my story and I’m sticking to it.
I had intended on blogging Friday night, but Comcast was having problems (what else is new?) and I didn’t have internet service. So I spent the night catching up on processing photos. and knitting. and reading. and listening to music. But those have turned into my normal nighttime before bed routine. Who says I need sleep??
Saturday I was feeling incredibly crafty. So I sifted through my mom’s huge tub of fabric and found some I liked. Then following her directions and pattern, I made a roll up double-pointed needle holder. And it looks fabulous!
I still have tons and tons of projects to complete, but I am so excited for what I have planned to do.
Happy Easter
Apr 12, 2009 The Mom, birthday/holiday celebrations, rambling
Happy Easter to everyone! After a tantrum filled Friday, a long and crazy Saturday, I knew I had to have a lazy Sunday. And that is exactly as we have done.
Skyler woke up around 7:45 but read books in bed until 8:30. I was grateful for that because I didn’t fall asleep until almost 2:45am, so I managed about 5 hours of sleep. We went downstairs and he saw his basket of goodies. “Presents for me!”, he kept exclaiming. The spiderman was his favorite, of course, but he was excited with everything. It doesn’t even occur to him that I’m denying him of candy ;)
The rest of the day has been lazy, playing, watching movies and I’ve spent time knitting. We got some time outside in the warm weather. Now he’s watching Bolt and playing with his spiderman while I plan on getting some more knitting done. Great day overall. Too bad tomorrow is back to work :/
Mar 30, 2009 The Mom, photography, rambling
I had wanted to spend this past Saturday in Chattanooga, my camera attached to my hands as I filled up memory cards and ran my battery down. Rain the entire week threatened my plans. So instead we spent Saturday morning at the library getting books and driving around. Sunday was spent baking.
Chocolate Chocolate Chip Cookies
Big Fat Chewy Chocolate Chip Cookies
and Banana Muffins
Yum yum delicious.
Next weekend will be the trip to Chattanooga. So excited about it too. I can’t wait to spend a day with friends. With the little one in tow of course, but he will have fun.
