And for the first time since I can remember, I had a dream about Skyler’s father. He showed up out if nowhere. He talked to me like we had just met. He barely acknowledged Skyler and of course Skyler took no notice to him. But what really hurt the most was how I remember thinking how Skyler deserved to know that the man was his father, but I just couldn’t tell him. Until he left the room. That was when I told Skyler who that man was. A simple “Skyler, did you know that us your daddy?” and then I woke up, feeling empty, let down, broken-hearted and most of confused. I know how hurt I am that he left us. I hate him for what he did, but I also imagine him coming back and then wanting to welcome him with as open arms as I can muster. And now I feel that my dream is telling me that I won’t be able to let him back into our lives. That I will go as far to protect Skyler from the man who has hurt both of us, by lying and avoiding telling him who his father his. To protect him from the man who has killed my dream of having the family I want. But is it really my ex’s fault that I am broken and holding a grudge that I feel is preventing me from happiness. Or is it mine? And will time heal these wounds or do I have to find the strength to put the past behind me. Embrace the future that scares me….

This week has not been fun….

I had intended on taking Tuesday as a half day. Spend the morning at work getting what I needed done and spending the rest of the day relaxing at the library, reading and knitting. Instead, I went to bed Monday night with my stomach tossing and turning (and not in a good way) only to wake up a couple hours later throwing up. And I continued to be sick with the dreadful stomach bug for the following 12 hours. I knew I wouldn’t be able to take care of the Sky-guy, so he went to daycare and I went back to bed. Only to wake up 7 hours later (after waking up to run to the bathroom and then back to sleep several times) to pick him up from daycare. The rest of the night was spent on the couch while he lazied it up watching tv. I didn’t feel a tad guilty because I needed my rest. Gma was incredibly gracious to get him fed and then after dinner he was back on the couch with me. Once 8pm hit, we dragged (drug?) ourselves upstairs, brushed the teeth, washed up and went straight to sleep.

The next morning I was fine and dandy except for the remaining exhaustion and feeling like I had been run-over by an 18 wheeler the previous day.

Work sucked the whole rest of the week. I would rather have spent the past three days being whipped and beaten by slave drivers then at the Targhetto. Playing catch-up with MY work while being expected to help the rest of the store play catch-up is not good for the soul or the mood.

But this week is almost behind me. Tomorrow (or today I guess…) is another day. Sky-guy and I will spend the morning at the library, then to the Targhetto to present my client/friend with her scarf order and then home to rest, clean, play and just enjoy the rest of the day and the weekend.

Hopefully next week will be better…

Then I come flying back to reality and I’m thankful that it’s not. Because lets face it, my life is screwed up right now. It would be the best idea not to add another one to the mix. But there is that nagging feeling back in my head that I should have made one minuscule decision. And everything would be different. One fucking decision and I could feel like my life is going somewhere and not fucking dragging along the ground while I stumble around blindly to pick it up.

I’m tired, unhappy, exhausted and just feeling down. I’m tired of these terrible twos that have lasted since before he was 1. I’m tired of his too short of a temper and the fact that he never wants to go to sleep. I’m tired of the crankiness and tired of feeling like I just never get the break that I so crave. If I can have one single week of no tears, no temper tantrums and no sultry attitude, I would be in great shape. And then of course I ponder that decision I almost made but turned my back on when I imagined how things were going to be. When the promises were made to me and I pushed aside the thought that kept telling me that they were going to end up being broken promises.

Now that voice is telling me how badly I screwed up…..

And now that I’ve opened up my heart in the place I’ve tried to keep it under control, I’m going to go drink my sorrows away. Rum & Coke is good for that.

I’m getting nervy. Especially about the thought of going back to school. I’m reliving random memories of my high school life and remembering how much I hated it. I’m remembering how much trouble I had in school and I’m really starting to doubt myself on whether or not I can handle this college thing. The fact that Targhetto and everyone else in this fucking world ONLY talks about how it’s almost back to school time. The fact that k-12 schools go back August 14th and the fact that some colleges start August 25th is freaking me out even more. The deadline for Nashville State Community College is August 28th and I don’t know when the classes officially start, but that doesn’t make a difference. I am so fucking scared shitless. I don’t want to fail at this, I don’t even want to struggle and I know that being out of school for 7 years is going to make a huge difference than if I was going to college immediatly after graduating high school. The only thing that keeps me going for this is the knowing that I HAVE to go back to school. Every sign, every thought, every realization has told me that I have no choice.

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Tonight was spent with a barbeque with friends. I rejoiced at having the night off from being a mom, yet I missed Skyler so much. It was nice not to have to feed him dinner while I was eating. It was nice to be able to stand around talking and gossiping with friends without having to keep an eye on him. It was nice to play a couple games of Wii bowling without having to wonder what he was getting into.

Let’s face it… I enjoyed the night off and I’m starting to think that I need to go out with friends at least once a month….

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Nothing much else new. Still doing uber amounts of knitting. Or trying too. Skyler and I went to the library today and I found a fun knitting books, among other books I actually got to pick out. So as soon as I get some pictures processed and up on flickr, I’m heading to bed to knit while reading a knitting fiction book. Yes, laugh at my loser self, I’m a lameoid and I’m embracing it.

Or I’m heading straight to bed and passing out. The rum is taking over my brain and telling me I need to sleep.