Psychotically Sane

Archive for the ‘the sperm donor’ Category

The past week has been my worst week of sleep. Waking up several times a night, having overly realistic dreams on top of that. And then when I do sleep for more than an hour at a time, I have such a realistic and horrific dream that I can’t even be sure my brain was relaxed enough to benefit from the sleep.

And for the first time since I can remember, I had a dream about Skyler’s father. He showed up out if nowhere. He talked to me like we had just met. He barely acknowledged Skyler and of course Skyler took no notice to him. But what really hurt the most was how I remember thinking how Skyler deserved to know that the man was his father, but I just couldn’t tell him. Until he left the room. That was when I told Skyler who that man was. A simple “Skyler, did you know that us your daddy?” and then I woke up, feeling empty, let down, broken-hearted and most of confused. I know how hurt I am that he left us. I hate him for what he did, but I also imagine him coming back and then wanting to welcome him with as open arms as I can muster. And now I feel that my dream is telling me that I won’t be able to let him back into our lives. That I will go as far to protect Skyler from the man who has hurt both of us, by lying and avoiding telling him who his father his. To protect him from the man who has killed my dream of having the family I want. But is it really my ex’s fault that I am broken and holding a grudge that I feel is preventing me from happiness. Or is it mine? And will time heal these wounds or do I have to find the strength to put the past behind me. Embrace the future that scares me….

I have to admit; I hear of my friends being pregnant. I see people everyday who are pregnant. I work with pregnant people. It’s frustrating and annoying because sometimes I really miss that pregnant feeling. Sometimes I wish that was me.

Then I come flying back to reality and I’m thankful that it’s not. Because lets face it, my life is screwed up right now. It would be the best idea not to add another one to the mix. But there is that nagging feeling back in my head that I should have made one minuscule decision. And everything would be different. One fucking decision and I could feel like my life is going somewhere and not fucking dragging along the ground while I stumble around blindly to pick it up.

I’m tired, unhappy, exhausted and just feeling down. I’m tired of these terrible twos that have lasted since before he was 1. I’m tired of his too short of a temper and the fact that he never wants to go to sleep. I’m tired of the crankiness and tired of feeling like I just never get the break that I so crave. If I can have one single week of no tears, no temper tantrums and no sultry attitude, I would be in great shape. And then of course I ponder that decision I almost made but turned my back on when I imagined how things were going to be. When the promises were made to me and I pushed aside the thought that kept telling me that they were going to end up being broken promises.

Now that voice is telling me how badly I screwed up…..

And now that I’ve opened up my heart in the place I’ve tried to keep it under control, I’m going to go drink my sorrows away. Rum & Coke is good for that.

Vacation in T-17 days. It’s insane how much I’m looking forward to this.  Friday I’m going to call and reserve the camera. Still not sure if I’m going to get the lens with it. I’m drooling over the thought of using a 1.2 L lens but the thought of what the money COULD be used for makes me hesitant.

Still searching for that new job.

Still just as confused as ever thanks to a certain someone.

And the fact that it’s been almost 2 years since HE has seen Skyler is bringing me to tears at a moments notice. I know it’s not worth getting upset over, but no child deserves to be without a father.
I guess it’s just one of those things that really shows you how unfair life can get.

Work was exciting. Not. Guest service received a “suspicious package”. Police called in. Doors closed so no one could go in or out for a little bit. Then they relaxed. I’ll find out tomorrow what happened after I left.

Besides that, work was boring. I’m supposed to be in NYC right now. Spending a fabulous week with friends. It didn’t work out that way. I’m sulking this week. Majorly bummed. The trip to So Cal in November will make up for it a little bit. I still get to spend time with one kick ass friend. And have a playdate with two other kick ass friends. Have I mentioned yet how excited I am???

14 days till Skyler’s birthday. Exactly two weeks. I’m getting my hopes up that FOB {SOB} will call this year. I’m not getting my hopes up on his sending Skyler a present or offering money in hopes that I will forgive him. Just a call. Just to ask how he is doing. Is that too much to ask?

And just because I can’t but help myself. I’m going to get a yummmmy new phone September 1st. I get to upgrade my phone. So I’m going to get a super yummy LG Voyager. Touch screen. Full QWERTY keyboard.Uses Micro SD cards. Seriously. Uber delicious.

Tomorrow I’m going to share some pictures from this past weekend :)

This will probably be the first of many pity posts.

I’m ready to break. I’m ready to call it quits. I’m stressed, tired, exhausted, lonely, currently excruciatingly unhappy and I’ve been stretched too thin. I’m tired of days like today where I feel like I get no kind of respect at work. I’m tired of days like today where I can’t finish my tasks on time because I can’t get some executive input. I can’t finish certain tasks until I get executive approval that it’s okay. And if they decide that what I need isn’t important enough, it doesn’t get to me in time. Which means I get a bad score because someone else couldn’t get their shit together.

I can’t do this anymore. I’ve been thinking about the sperm donor more. I didn’t want to. He’s the last thing I need on my mind. But he was. It’s been almost 21 months since he’s last seen Skyler. It’s been almost 9 months since I last talked to him. When he promised me child support. He disappeared and I couldn’t get it. It KILLS me what he’s doing to me. To Skyler. The fact that he’s killed any kind of hope for Skyler having the ideal family of a mom and a dad. I don’t care how much love Skyler gets from everyone else in his family, nobody can replace the father. NOBODY.

I want my vacation. I haven’t had a vacation for what feels like 2 years. The vacation I was planning on taking has been canceled.

I’ve held this in for too long. I don’t vent anymore. Not to myself, not to my blog (until now), not to anybody else. I’m holding it in and it’s breaking me. It’s ready to break out. I want to scream. I want to pull my hair out. I want a night filled with tears so I can get past this crappy feeling. Others are noticing how I’m acting. I can’t fake my smiles anymore. I can’t fake my good moods anymore.

I’m feeling crappy and I need a vacation. I need something to calm things down…. and I don’t think a big bottle of Jack Daniels is going to do it this time.

Skyler’s been really aggressive today. I laughed about it to grandma and she replies back with “That’s why little boys usually have daddies.” I know she didn’t mean for it be said harshly, but that’s how I took it. As a shot to my heart.

I almost texted SOB tonight. To tell him how I hate his guts and how I continue to loathe him more and more every day he doesn’t call or acknowledge the fact that he has a son. I don’t even know that the number I have in my phone is the correct number, but it would have meant something to me if he had received it. It’s the little things that can make a person feel better.

Today wasn’t even a bad day. It just gets stressful when I have a child that is whiny and crabby and going through a major case of the terrible two. It gets even more stressful when I know the only time I will get a break of caring for him is when he goes to bed. So when my dad yells “No one asked you to have a baby” AFTER Skyler has thrown a major temper tantrum, I almost lose it. I understand how big of a mistake I have made. I realize how many people’s lives I have screwed up. I guess the fact that I am trying to fix those mistakes counts for nothing. My night ends with mom telling me that I’m a bitch. She wanted to give Skyler a goodnight kiss. She does and then she gets him riled up when I’m trying to get him ready for bed. So of course I lose it again.

I want one day to feel like I have my life on track. And how come the night I need someone the most, I have nobody.

It’s been too easy to feel depressed these past couple days. I know what my depression is directly related to. The problem is how to stop it from bothering me.

Today it was related to the absent father and my stress. I have two friends at work who are pregnant. One due within a couple days and the other due in a month. They love talking about how excited their husbands are to become fathers. *ouch* right to the heart. Then I got off work late and had to rush to get Skyler and pick up the swimming bag from home before rushing to the swim lesson. I got there 10 minutes later. I was nearly in tears just thinking about how much easier it would be if his daddy was around, or I had a husband to share the responsibilities. Then it’s getting Skyler in bed. I love the baby snuggles and reading him books, but sometimes I wish someone else would take the job every once in a while. Especially the nights that I want to relax and take my shower before settling down on the computer to work on pictures. Those are the nights he fights sleep. Those are the nights that stress me the most.

Now what’s getting me down is the whole photography thing. I know I’m happiest behind the camera. I know how much I love it. I just get so down knowing that I can’t do anything with it yet. I could schedule sessions but I don’t have anybody to watch Skyler. I’ve tried taking him on sessions. They are impossible with a clingy toddler. It’s seeing other people do it. Other people who never seemed to show an interest in photography until I mentioned wanting to pursue it. Maybe it’s all in my head or maybe I have legitimate complaints.

I can’t do this anymore. It’s a constant feeling of failure. It’s feeling like I’m driving on a dead end and I have no way to turn around and backtrack to fix my mistakes. I just want one thing to go my way. I want a day where I can say that I am truly happy and not just posing with a fake smile on my face. I want to start going forward instead of falling behind.

Then the fact that I think I have carpel tunnel is not helping my mood.

I think AF is going to be here any day. This mood seems to be a monthly thing.

Happy Mothers Day to all moms that have love and lost, to moms that get to hold their kids everyday, to the moms that unselfishly share their time with their kids, and to the moms that are hopeful that one day they will get to experience the joy that so many others have.

I’m throwing a pity party for myself. I don’t get the traditional mother’s day that I hear so many others celebrating. I don’t get the possibility of sleeping in or breakfast in bed. My day goes on like normal. It’ll be at least a year or two before I’ll even get to hear “Happy Mother’s Day”. I know this is the life that I chose, but I didn’t chose for things to end up how they did. It has now been a year and half since I last saw the sperm donor. A year and a half since he’s seen his son. I don’t know how often he thinks about Skyler, or if he even does.

The only thing I know, is that I’m going to be in tears on father’s day and I’ll be bawling my eyes out even more when Skyler finally does ask where his daddy is. I don’t want that day to EVER come.

God help me when it does.