Psychotically Sane » the sperm donor

Stress dreams

Jess — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 04:29:07 +0000

The past week has been my worst week of sleep. Waking up several times a night, having overly realistic dreams on top of that. And then when I do sleep for more than an hour at a time, I have such a realistic and horrific dream that I can’t even be sure my brain was relaxed enough to benefit from the sleep.

And for the first time since I can remember, I had a dream about Skyler’s father. He showed up out if nowhere. He talked to me like we had just met. He barely acknowledged Skyler and of course Skyler took no notice to him. But what really hurt the most was how I remember thinking how Skyler deserved to know that the man was his father, but I just couldn’t tell him. Until he left the room. That was when I told Skyler who that man was. A simple “Skyler, did you know that us your daddy?” and then I woke up, feeling empty, let down, broken-hearted and most of confused. I know how hurt I am that he left us. I hate him for what he did, but I also imagine him coming back and then wanting to welcome him with as open arms as I can muster. And now I feel that my dream is telling me that I won’t be able to let him back into our lives. That I will go as far to protect Skyler from the man who has hurt both of us, by lying and avoiding telling him who his father his. To protect him from the man who has killed my dream of having the family I want. But is it really my ex’s fault that I am broken and holding a grudge that I feel is preventing me from happiness. Or is it mine? And will time heal these wounds or do I have to find the strength to put the past behind me. Embrace the future that scares me….

Jess — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 01:42:47 +0000

I have to admit; I hear of my friends being pregnant. I see people everyday who are pregnant. I work with pregnant people. It’s frustrating and annoying because sometimes I really miss that pregnant feeling. Sometimes I wish that was me.

Then I come flying back to reality and I’m thankful that it’s not. Because lets face it, my life is screwed up right now. It would be the best idea not to add another one to the mix. But there is that nagging feeling back in my head that I should have made one minuscule decision. And everything would be different. One fucking decision and I could feel like my life is going somewhere and not fucking dragging along the ground while I stumble around blindly to pick it up.

I’m tired, unhappy, exhausted and just feeling down. I’m tired of these terrible twos that have lasted since before he was 1. I’m tired of his too short of a temper and the fact that he never wants to go to sleep. I’m tired of the crankiness and tired of feeling like I just never get the break that I so crave. If I can have one single week of no tears, no temper tantrums and no sultry attitude, I would be in great shape. And then of course I ponder that decision I almost made but turned my back on when I imagined how things were going to be. When the promises were made to me and I pushed aside the thought that kept telling me that they were going to end up being broken promises.

Now that voice is telling me how badly I screwed up…..

And now that I’ve opened up my heart in the place I’ve tried to keep it under control, I’m going to go drink my sorrows away. Rum & Coke is good for that.

Protected: just a little (protected) update

Jess — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 04:55:59 +0000

it’s my something to look forward to

Jess — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 03:12:58 +0000

Vacation in T-17 days. It’s insane how much I’m looking forward to this. Friday I’m going to call and reserve the camera. Still not sure if I’m going to get the lens with it. I’m drooling over the thought of using a 1.2 L lens but the thought of what the money COULD be used for makes me hesitant.

Still searching for that new job.

Still just as confused as ever thanks to a certain someone.

And the fact that it’s been almost 2 years since HE has seen Skyler is bringing me to tears at a moments notice. I know it’s not worth getting upset over, but no child deserves to be without a father.
I guess it’s just one of those things that really shows you how unfair life can get.

Jess — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 03:52:31 +0000

Work was exciting. Not. Guest service received a “suspicious package”. Police called in. Doors closed so no one could go in or out for a little bit. Then they relaxed. I’ll find out tomorrow what happened after I left.

Besides that, work was boring. I’m supposed to be in NYC right now. Spending a fabulous week with friends. It didn’t work out that way. I’m sulking this week. Majorly bummed. The trip to So Cal in November will make up for it a little bit. I still get to spend time with one kick ass friend. And have a playdate with two other kick ass friends. Have I mentioned yet how excited I am???

14 days till Skyler’s birthday. Exactly two weeks. I’m getting my hopes up that FOB {SOB} will call this year. I’m not getting my hopes up on his sending Skyler a present or offering money in hopes that I will forgive him. Just a call. Just to ask how he is doing. Is that too much to ask?

And just because I can’t but help myself. I’m going to get a yummmmy new phone September 1st. I get to upgrade my phone. So I’m going to get a super yummy LG Voyager. Touch screen. Full QWERTY keyboard.Uses Micro SD cards. Seriously. Uber delicious.

Tomorrow I’m going to share some pictures from this past weekend :)