I have started doing the 30 Day Shred workout. Saturday night I was armed with my 5lb handweights, my beloved iPod (I really do have a sickening obsession with her) and very little sense of determination overpowered by a sense of dread, I put in the Shred DVD and followed the instructor. And afterwards I realized why I was filled with so much dread. I had heard the horror stories of how intense the workout was. I brushed it off. Karma got me for that one. My whole lower body was sore. Truth is, I could barely move. It hurt to walk, go up and down stairs, sit down or move any way possible. It hurt to think about how much my muscles hurt.
Today, I did day 3. I really didn’t want too, what with the continous pain, but I did the workout. And afterwards, I felt great. I could tell that my endurance is building and it doesn’t hurt as much anymore. I know it will tomorrow, but I am fine with that. The pain will go away and I look forward to the workout tomorrow. It’s good for me. So why stop now? I only have 27 more days to go…..

That’s when I realize that the only good thing about my job is the friends I have made there. The people that I love so much and look forward to working with everyday. The ones that I know I can count on to get me through my day, listen to me rant when things get frustrating and go with me to McDonalds for lunch on the day that we are ready to walk out and tell them fuck you, we are tired of putting up with your bullshit. When we then realize that no matter what, there is always going to be something that makes our days more frustrating than we want it too. But we always end up laughing about it in the end.

And I put up with the daily struggles for one person.

I’m still struggling to make sense of the untold story. It fills my heart and my thoughts daily. It’s definitely the one thing I wish was easier for me to handle.

But I will take everything one day at a time, and get through the black hole I feel like I have fallen into.

And for the first time since I can remember, I had a dream about Skyler’s father. He showed up out if nowhere. He talked to me like we had just met. He barely acknowledged Skyler and of course Skyler took no notice to him. But what really hurt the most was how I remember thinking how Skyler deserved to know that the man was his father, but I just couldn’t tell him. Until he left the room. That was when I told Skyler who that man was. A simple “Skyler, did you know that us your daddy?” and then I woke up, feeling empty, let down, broken-hearted and most of confused. I know how hurt I am that he left us. I hate him for what he did, but I also imagine him coming back and then wanting to welcome him with as open arms as I can muster. And now I feel that my dream is telling me that I won’t be able to let him back into our lives. That I will go as far to protect Skyler from the man who has hurt both of us, by lying and avoiding telling him who his father his. To protect him from the man who has killed my dream of having the family I want. But is it really my ex’s fault that I am broken and holding a grudge that I feel is preventing me from happiness. Or is it mine? And will time heal these wounds or do I have to find the strength to put the past behind me. Embrace the future that scares me….

Skyler got a haircut the other day.

As much as I love his older kid look, I miss his longer locks and the bangs in his eyes. It made him look younger, more toddler like. I miss my baby. I don’t want him to look older when I can hardly stand him growing up. And it certainly doesn’t help when all of my friends have new babies. Or are pregnant.

Work is still work. My life is just as simple as ever. I love my friends dearly, so I can’t complain when things aren’t perfect in my eyes. I’m still sitting on the feeling of content. Maybe teetering is more like it. But that’s another part of the untold story.

And I am still knitting. Because it relaxes me and makes my quiet nights semi enjoyable. Soon spring will be here and then at last summer. I can’t wait for the sun, the heat and the longer days. I need a little vitamin d to bring my dreary spirits up.

And since Kimberly told me I had to blog about it, I splurged a little on myself and got an iPod Touch. And it’s fun and addictive. Especially the apps. Like the ShakeItPhoto app I found that turns your photos into polaroids.

So here are a couple of my “polaroids”